Day 15

I’m dragging it today.

The sadness.

It is sitting in between panic raggged breaths, pauses and conversations. The morning tremble has invaded the day. Maybe the hot and cold feeling is emptiness coursing through my veins.

I am so empty.

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Day 9- Day 14

I could not write for the majority of this week, mornings are brutal. They start of with a severe panic attack, reminders and this heavy emptiness. I can feel the emptiness in my hands as though I lost something so fundamental to my existence. I don’t know what to do.

I am still bloated with disappointment and hurt that won’t leave my veins. My soul is disturbed. It has been a trying week. I keep retracing back to how and when it all fell apart. I am shocked how someone can love you and seem sacrificial one minute and then abandon you like that and never look back. I am humiliated for putting myself and this fragile heart of mine on the line, I feel disposable and ruined. Tell me how I can rationalise these unfortunate events. Tell me how.

Day 8: Day Time

I cannot remember much from this day, all I recall is the finality of it all. The calm in our words, when the fight stops and the scream turns into a yawn. I remember eating this horrid pizza in front of him, our last meal together. I also remember the strangeness as we walked, for a year, my hands were always clasped with his when we walked. He was like a stranger I still recognize and loved despite the betrayal, lies and the abandonment. It hurts you see, even in the death, I was still wide-eyed, I still held a candle lit for this man but he was already gone. There was finality in the silence, finality in the calm. My stomach hurt, my body hot and cold. I mourned right there, the loss of warmth, the loss of familiarity and ritual. The loss of what I thought was a remarkable and irrevocable union. I mourned and yet had not shed a single tear. My body mourned.

Day 7

This is the day I fell apart. Unreservedly.

I woke in the morning with this feeling of emergency in my whole being. As though it was imperative to exit my body. I wanted to throw my life into the hands of another, but who… when I walk this path alone now.  I had failed. Defeated by my own wild un-containable emotions. I had not eaten for days, my mouth was dry, brain foggy. My body was shutting down.

It became a matter of life and death so I left my house and got the help, I felt I needed at that point in time.

Day 6

I woke up the same, churning in turmoil. The morning collapse. It sits in my arms and chest cavity, It tingles in my fingers, I think. It waits in the night and when morning comes, it awakens. There is hollow then there is this. It is wordless, really.

The way what is inhabiting my belly refuses to cease to disturb, the retracing, the what’s the use. OMG.

My soul is troubled and so is my blood.

I can feel the pain in every region of my faculties.

I feel like something is wearing my body.

Day 5

I woke up with this ominous presence rising in my heart. My stomach feels as though it wants to exit my body. I want to throw up my guts. All my body can do is shake, these sensations circulate in waves throughout my body.

23:00- I finally cry. I finally eat.. something. I am trying to find the anchor in others however, I am too arrested in my sorrow, disappointment and shock.