I was purge free for 2 weeks and 1 day that’s all I could afford I could have tried to resist the urge but after a binge from hell I wanted that feeling of emptiness again, for me that feeling is like euphoria there’s something about purging that feels like some sort of release and I get this rush but I know it’s not about the rush it’s about ridding of the mistake that I made from a moment of weakness.
The last time I purged on the 17th of june I felt as if I wasn’t the one controlling my hand I felt like something was pushing my finger down my throat for me, it’s silly I know but it felt so real. Anyway here I am post purge guilt is worse than post binge guilt, my throat hurts I feel drained but I must carry on and not show that I’m cracking because I do not want to worry my beautiful mother.
In the back of my mind everyday for the past week or so is the whole cause of Amy winehouse’s death: bulimia. Confllictions like bulimia will have you no matter who you are, I know this but when I read this It hit me in the face, here is this woman’s story, a woman just like me had bulimia and it killed her you’d think I’d stop dead in my tracks and stop the cycles of binging and purging but it scared for a minute then I forgot about it then after a while it re-surfaces into my brain. Bulimia is an actual enemy.
Tomorrow I’ll start all over again