Off the tracks

I guess recovery isn’t going so well when you’re in bed at midnight binging on oreos,coconut biscuits and winter chocolates then trying to purge in a woollen hat at 1am because you don’t want to risk being caught. Last night was horrible, I know all the things that I’m supposed to do but I don’t do them. This week has been full on binging and I’ve grown tired of it, no not tired weary.

Sometimes I cherish my bulimia as stupid as that sounds but it gives me serenity that I could never find anywhere, These eating disorders I’m bulimic with anorexic tendencies and these problems go way deeper than just mere vanity, it’s about coping, it’s about control, it’s also about my body which repulses me despite being told I am skinny. I’m losing weight I’m 5 kilograms away from flirting with anorexia.. again.

I’ve had these eating disorders for more than half of the years I’ve been alive and that scares me. I’m drained 95% of the time, I’m insomniac, my mood swings are unbearable, the left side of my chest sometimes hurts a lot, the veins in my hands are sticking out, my eyes are always bloodshot with bags under them, my period is irregular, I cancel plans just so I can binge and purge like some kind of ritual, my hip bones are sticking out but this feels like success, I’m still stuck in that same mindset that I was 12 years ago but I’ve become a “skilled” bulimic how messed up is that.

It’s also 7:41am and I just woke up, I know exactly how today is going to pan out and that makes my heart ache. I’m going off the tracks again.

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9 thoughts on “Off the tracks

  1. I completely understand. Sometimes I can’t function at work when I get an urge to binge. Sometimes I find myself leaning forward on the steering wheel as I drive, eyes darting, as I rush to purchase my scones, pastry, cream, cake… Then click. It takes over and I’m in a daze.

    • I know exactly what you mean sometimes I literally cannot wait to get out of class so I can go into the supermarket to buy biscuits, chips and chocolate and I walk home super fast then the ravenous beast takes over and I binge myself into oblivion. If there are people at home and I have to binge badly I become irritable and impossible to socialise with. Sigh. Bulimia makes you become someone.. something else.

  2. Lol sometimes when I’m at home and I really want to binge. But there’s people at home, I go to woolworths or McDonald’s and go nuts at the mccafe. Then spend the next hour trying to puke it out. Good luck on your recovery 🙂

  3. Broken People, by Scott Hildreth

    “…….it made me cry, and that just doesn’t happen.

    There were so many times in the book that I felt I knew the author personally, but that is far from true.
    I remember meeting someone and felt that it was meant to be. I am a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” . People are brought into our lives and taken from our lives for a reason. So many times, we never know why. I felt a connection with each character in the book. I have a 17 year old daughter that has endured a very trying time in her life. If it weren’t for the amazing relationship I have with her and the amazing person she is, I could have been dealing with losing her. “BROKEN PEOPLE” has opened my eyes to many things. I could go on and on but I will let you read the book for yourself.
    I recommend this book for parents, teenagers, men, and women of all ages. This book will forever hold a spot on my “bookshelf” and I will refer to it often!
    I laughed, I cried, and had an awakening.
    Thank you, Scott Hildreth!
    Just because we’re all “broken”, doesn’t mean you can’t heal!!!!”

    Julie Casey’s review on Amazon.com

    Hello, I am Scott Hildreth, the Author of Broken People. At the age of thirteen, my uncle committed suicide. I hated him for it. At the age of twenty one, my girlfriend committed suicide. I spent a lifetime carrying a poem that she left me in my wallet. Additionally, I carried guilt. Crushing guilt. I felt awful, guilty, and no longer trusted people.

    At thirty nine, a close friend committed suicide. Then, 41, I decided it was my turn.

    I didn’t succeed.

    At 48, I met a girl who needed help. A suicidal bulimic teen.

    I wrote a very uplifting and deep book that has touched the hearts of those who have read it. The above review is typical of all of the reviews that it has received.

    It focuses on a character that attempts to help other people through a blog, and in doing so, encounters a suicidal bulimic girl. His quest to find her cause him to deal with his own repressed memories, and have him to considering things he hasn’t in the past.

    It’s an uplifting story, and as been described as a must read for the suffering. Parents and teens alike have praised it.

    It is currently priced at $3.99

    http://www.amazon.com/Broken-People-ebook/dp/B00DNMCKRI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372972332&sr=1-1&keywords=Broken+People

    Thank You

    Scott Hildreth

  4. Broken People, by Scott Hildreth

    “…….it made me cry, and that just doesn’t happen.

    There were so many times in the book that I felt I knew the author personally, but that is far from true.
    I remember meeting someone and felt that it was meant to be. I am a firm believer in the “everything happens for a reason” . People are brought into our lives and taken from our lives for a reason. So many times, we never know why. I felt a connection with each character in the book. I have a 17 year old daughter that has endured a very trying time in her life. If it weren’t for the amazing relationship I have with her and the amazing person she is, I could have been dealing with losing her. “BROKEN PEOPLE” has opened my eyes to many things. I could go on and on but I will let you read the book for yourself.
    I recommend this book for parents, teenagers, men, and women of all ages. This book will forever hold a spot on my “bookshelf” and I will refer to it often!
    I laughed, I cried, and had an awakening.
    Thank you, Scott Hildreth!
    Just because we’re all “broken”,doesn’t mean you can’t heal!!!!”

    Julie Casey’s review on Amazon.com

    Hello, I am Scott Hildreth, the Author of Broken People. At the age of thirteen, my uncle committed suicide. I hated him for it. At the age of twenty one, my girlfriend committed suicide. I spent a lifetime carrying a poem that she left me in my wallet. Additionally, I carried guilt. Crushing guilt. I felt awful, guilty, and no longer trusted people.

    At thirty nine, a close friend committed suicide. Then, 41, I decided it was my turn.

    I didn’t succeed.

    At 48, I met a girl who needed help. A suicidal bulimic teen.

    I wrote a very uplifting and deep book that has touched the hearts of those who have read it. The above review is typical of all of the reviews that it has received.

    It focuses on a character that attempts to help other people through a blog, and in doing so, encounters a suicidal bulimic girl. His quest to find her cause him to deal with his own repressed memories, and have him to considering things he hasn’t in the past.

    It’s an uplifting story, and as been described as a must read for the suffering. Parents and teens alike have praised it.

    It is currently priced at $3.99

    http://www.amazon.com/Broken-People-ebook/dp/B00DNMCKRI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1372972332&sr=1-1&keywords=Broken+People

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