I guess recovery isn’t going so well when you’re in bed at midnight binging on oreos,coconut biscuits and winter chocolates then trying to purge in a woollen hat at 1am because you don’t want to risk being caught. Last night was horrible, I know all the things that I’m supposed to do but I don’t do them. This week has been full on binging and I’ve grown tired of it, no not tired weary.
Sometimes I cherish my bulimia as stupid as that sounds but it gives me serenity that I could never find anywhere, These eating disorders I’m bulimic with anorexic tendencies and these problems go way deeper than just mere vanity, it’s about coping, it’s about control, it’s also about my body which repulses me despite being told I am skinny. I’m losing weight I’m 5 kilograms away from flirting with anorexia.. again.
I’ve had these eating disorders for more than half of the years I’ve been alive and that scares me. I’m drained 95% of the time, I’m insomniac, my mood swings are unbearable, the left side of my chest sometimes hurts a lot, the veins in my hands are sticking out, my eyes are always bloodshot with bags under them, my period is irregular, I cancel plans just so I can binge and purge like some kind of ritual, my hip bones are sticking out but this feels like success, I’m still stuck in that same mindset that I was 12 years ago but I’ve become a “skilled” bulimic how messed up is that.
It’s also 7:41am and I just woke up, I know exactly how today is going to pan out and that makes my heart ache. I’m going off the tracks again.