The past week has been full of “binging” and trying to starve. I put binging in quotes because if I do the calculations I am actually still in my daily calorie intake requirement or even lower but I can’t help but feel I’ve let things get out of control this week. The suprising thing is that I am not even that angry at myself and that’s strange I usually beat myself up if I don’t stick to my wretched binge- fast- binge- fast regime, I’m just afraid of gaining weight.
I forgot the number of times that I have purged this week and what’s pathetic I didn’t even purge it all when I did just a little because I’m afraid of rapturing my esophagus after 6 years of bulimia my throat is probably worse for wear and I’m more afraid of my esophagus rapturing than I am of anything. Oh and how my periods are so irregular I’m now a veteran when it comes to this aspect 21, 32, 18, 24 day menstrual cycles it doesn’t even phase me anymore but I live in the constant fear of the threat of not being able to have children one day and that threat is the the main force that drives to want to recovery but as the months pass and I become more and entrenched in these EDs if that’s even possible that threat is losing it’s power. I don’t know what to do.
This past week with all the purging I remembered how it felt, that release, that feeling of emptiness how cathartic it feels, I suppose that rush you get from purging is what drug addicts must feel like after a hit I’m only assuming of course as I am no expert in the area.. Sometimes I need that feeling just so I can carry on with my day, do it then once it’s over I can move on with whatever I was doing. I purged in a woolen hat today while my brother was in the next room sleeping that poor hat it’s now crispy from all the purge because I have not washed it since monday I’ve just been emptying it. I’ve been living in vomit this past week and I’ve grown immune to it’s smell I’m sure my room smells pretty bad but my family do not know that I’m bulimic so I guess they are assuming I have not been showering, I don’t know.
Anyway I’ve rambled enough tomorrow is Monday new week I could make this huge promise that I will restrict and eat fruit, pepsi light and veggies which is what I want to do but… no promises.