My emotions are always ranging from feeling too much or not feeling at all, there is no inbetween but lately I’ve been feeling guilty. I don’t know what I am feeling guilty about but I do feel it and I’m absolutely consumed by it. I guess if I really think about it the guilt stems from a ton of places, I’m so guilty of how my eating disorders have aged my parents especially my mum it’s taken a toll on her and it changed her into an anxious person when it comes to anything to do with me and I hate myself for it. She buys all these foods, calls me everyday 2 or 3 times when she’s at work, texts me and she’s always beside herself when I’m ill, she’s afraid to lose me and I appreciate and love her but I can’t help but feel down over the whole situation.
My dad tries all he can which I appreciate but my dad has multiple personalities to write about him I’d need a whole post or two to fully explain but he loves me and he tries to make my.life with my EDs “more bearable” by being the one who doesn’t talk about it but aknowledges it in some way.
I’ve realised through out these past few weeks I feel guilty for having parents who support and love me because I feel undeserving. I’m a good daughter in all of the aspects that matter, I got the degree, I don’t drink, do drugs or any of that crap but my inability to eat like a normal person, my mental state (I have bipolar tendencies & always feel very low) that’s what holds me back. Sometimes I wish my family’s memories of me could be wiped out so that they get this brand new daughter who is perfect in every way because they deserve better than this empty shell of a person that is me.
I do not hate myself, I love myself too much, not to sound conceited but I fall in and out of love with myself numerous times a day and I get so frustrated when my mind keeps going to those dark places and I get frustrated with myself and then the guilt sets in.
Maybe I could offset this guilt with some good ol’ numbness, it should kick in any minute from now. Emotions are a tricky thing and they suck.