The past few days have been “easy” for me. I genuinely have quite an appetite, must be the flu. Having an eating disorder hunger is not a sensation I’m familiar with. I eat because I have to when my family is around, I eat when I’m dizzy because I’ve been restricting and about to pass out, I eat when I’m on binge because I need the binge and the subsequent fast to feel normal or I’m bored or I just want to eat for the sake of eating but I never eat because I’m hungry I never feel it. The only exception is when I am on my period I can’t restrict when I’m on my period anymore it just won’t happen.
I haven’t been experiencing the feelings of panic and terror after I’ve eaten a meal and it’s very refreshing. I feel like I’m on break from my ED. I know I’m not in recovery, I’m not going to fool myself here. I’m not there yet.
I have been craving salty foods especially meat, besides the illness I know my body is telling me to eat my poor body is just following this rhythm I’m not familiar with. The will to eat as little as possible is there, in my head I have this whole game plan fruit, diet coke, tea but my body is telling me no instead it wants cereal, sandwiches and rice and for the first time in a long time I’m going to listen to it. This body is the only body that I have and I have to take care of it to the best of my abilities. This body will one day carry life inside of it and if I keep doing what I’ve been doing for the past 11 years I might just be jeopardising the chances of that from happening, I can only hope and pray the damage hasn’t already been done.
I don’t know how long this lucid state is going to last but I hope it lasts for quite a bit. Tomorrow I plan on eating cereal in the morning then have icecream out in town, wear my skinny jeans that make me feel skinny and even meet a friend for a drink, to be risky I’ll even order regular coke instead of coke zero. This feels amazing the world won’t end because I’ve consumed 142 calories from a can of coke!