Bulimia, anorexia and Dating

ImageTo say my dating life is non existent would be an understatement. Dating to me is something that is completely foreign to me, too foreign. It’s embarrassing at the age of 21 to say I’ve never had a boyfriend and most people seem shocked by it. Their response is usually along the lines of “but why you must have a bunch of guys after you”, I do to be honest but I honestly at the risk of being a typical female and friend zoning the good guys but I see them just good mates and that’s it.

The thing with me is that I give a guy my phone number and we text and call a few times but when it gets to that stage where we have to go on that date I just become irritated and I just break off contact with the person.. not very nice, I know. There was one guy in my life a couple of years ago and I went to highschool with him, he was always smitten with me since the day we met (we were both new comers at a high school). I enjoyed the attention he payed to me but I was not attracted to him. I would later go on a date with him a couple of years later but I just wasn’t feeling it.

I find it rather weird how I have such a high standard when it comes to guys but I myself have such an erratic self-esteem, it’s high today and tomorrow it’s low. I don’t know a guy who would be able to deal with that or would even want to for that matter. The sheer thought of going on a date is enough to make me want to drown myself in tequila because of a million reasons with a few of them being A) There’s always food involved on a date and that would make me so anxious and it would ruin the whole thing because I become a completely different person when there’s food involved B) I’m painfully shy plus a million other reasons.

Bulimia (and anorexia) in itself are not directly to blame for my lack of participation in the dating “game” it’s not like I’m too busy binging, purging and restricting to find time to go on a date but it is  but what the disorders accompany, depression, a preoccupation with body image, crippling self-loathing, a penchant for drug abuse and perfectionism to name but a few, I can confirm I have suffered from all of the above. I was not even interested in going out on a date with a cute guy when I was feeling depressed and suicidal, I abused sleeping tablets for a year, my severe perfectionism even though it’s a burden made me excel at school, I didn’t/ do not have time to date when all of these conflictions are having their way with me. It just isn’t a priority at all

I must admit that I feel sad when I really think about it, I might brush it off and use the “I’m too swamped with university” excuse, but now I’m done with my degree what excuse do I have now? It wasn’t even a legit excuse to begin with. The reality is that I’m a girl with a mental disorder and my normal is abnormal to other people, I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m nuts I mean come on, bulimia, anorexia, bipolar, depression, anxiety. It just dawned on me that I have baggage!

With all that being said I do not consider myself to be undateable, I consider myself to be a person with a great sense of humour, average looks (I like my face), but my personality is questionable because I have suspicions I might have multiple personalities, what guy would want to deal with that right?! I’ve been pushing the idea of dating for years because of the reasons I have mentioned but the other reason is that my parents never had a rosy marriage and I grew up anti-relationships but that’s another story. Now I think I’m ready to date, My EDs may try to deter me though indirectly but I think I can challenge them or at least try to.

4 thoughts on “Bulimia, anorexia and Dating

  1. Hey!

    I can relate to quite a lot of what you write in this post. Dating scares the life out of me, and I have more or less decided that I never want to get married or have children because I am terrified of getting close to anyone, and my parents never had a rosy marriage either so I know where you’re coming from. I’d rather stay safe, just me and anorexia, than risk being hurt.

    I can also relate to having multiple personalities, but if someone likes you enough, they won’t mind about this, they won’t mind about your ED, they will love you as you are and will be there as a support for you in this fight you are facing. One day, I know you will be lucky enough to find this soulmate!

    • Hey there, It means so much to me that you relate with this I feel less of a freak. I wish I could be at that mindset like you are where I’m okay with not getting married and having kids but I want that so bad years from now though but the fact that I can’t let anyone near frustrates me because how will I get to that married with kids point if I don’t date and stuff but oh well, it’ll fall into place.

      You’re so right if someone loves you having an ED should be a none-issue. I feel safe in my bulimia and anorexia as well, it’s what I want I know it’s familiar but I need to make the grip it has on me less tighter.

  2. No matter who you are, there is someone out there for you. They might be just as quirky as you are, or they might be someone that enjoys everything you bring to the table, but there is someone. I can’t say I understand the emotional baggage that comes with Anorexia and Bulimia, because I’m on the total opposite end; I overeat. I’m a fat sack of fun-bag lard. I’m like what you don’t want to be and what you spend your life avoiding. But anyway, I’m one of those that’s comfortable with who I am on most days, except when I was in the verbally abusive mess I was in with a man.

    Apparently I have ADHD because I spew off into a whole realm of off-the-subject. But suffice it to say that you aren’t really missing all that much. I have been through the ringer with abusive physical and mental relationships. I’ve been cheated on. I have one failed marriage under my belt at the age of 19 (we had a child together) …. it’s just all very overrated. I waited and waited, and went through hell to end up with someone I grew up with who is my perfect match.

    In other words; your time will come. You don’t have rush it. Someone is out there made just for you, no matter how flawed you think you are.

  3. It’s good you’re comfortable with who you are even if it’s on most days, I can’t remember a day I felt comfortable with myself but I’m on my way to try and to accept what is authentically me. I’m sorry about your failed relationships I know what an abusive relationship is like but only as a spectator my parent’s marriage had tons of elements of abuse but I can only imagine what it must be like to actually be in one, congratulations on getting out and it’s awesome how you eventually found someone, it gives me hope!

    Thank you for the kind words, You’re right there is someone out there for me who’ll accept me for me, I just have to believe it I guess and be patient about the whole thing.

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