To say my dating life is non existent would be an understatement. Dating to me is something that is completely foreign to me, too foreign. It’s embarrassing at the age of 21 to say I’ve never had a boyfriend and most people seem shocked by it. Their response is usually along the lines of “but why you must have a bunch of guys after you”, I do to be honest but I honestly at the risk of being a typical female and friend zoning the good guys but I see them just good mates and that’s it.
The thing with me is that I give a guy my phone number and we text and call a few times but when it gets to that stage where we have to go on that date I just become irritated and I just break off contact with the person.. not very nice, I know. There was one guy in my life a couple of years ago and I went to highschool with him, he was always smitten with me since the day we met (we were both new comers at a high school). I enjoyed the attention he payed to me but I was not attracted to him. I would later go on a date with him a couple of years later but I just wasn’t feeling it.
I find it rather weird how I have such a high standard when it comes to guys but I myself have such an erratic self-esteem, it’s high today and tomorrow it’s low. I don’t know a guy who would be able to deal with that or would even want to for that matter. The sheer thought of going on a date is enough to make me want to drown myself in tequila because of a million reasons with a few of them being A) There’s always food involved on a date and that would make me so anxious and it would ruin the whole thing because I become a completely different person when there’s food involved B) I’m painfully shy plus a million other reasons.
Bulimia (and anorexia) in itself are not directly to blame for my lack of participation in the dating “game” it’s not like I’m too busy binging, purging and restricting to find time to go on a date but it is but what the disorders accompany, depression, a preoccupation with body image, crippling self-loathing, a penchant for drug abuse and perfectionism to name but a few, I can confirm I have suffered from all of the above. I was not even interested in going out on a date with a cute guy when I was feeling depressed and suicidal, I abused sleeping tablets for a year, my severe perfectionism even though it’s a burden made me excel at school, I didn’t/ do not have time to date when all of these conflictions are having their way with me. It just isn’t a priority at all
I must admit that I feel sad when I really think about it, I might brush it off and use the “I’m too swamped with university” excuse, but now I’m done with my degree what excuse do I have now? It wasn’t even a legit excuse to begin with. The reality is that I’m a girl with a mental disorder and my normal is abnormal to other people, I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m nuts I mean come on, bulimia, anorexia, bipolar, depression, anxiety. It just dawned on me that I have baggage!
With all that being said I do not consider myself to be undateable, I consider myself to be a person with a great sense of humour, average looks (I like my face), but my personality is questionable because I have suspicions I might have multiple personalities, what guy would want to deal with that right?! I’ve been pushing the idea of dating for years because of the reasons I have mentioned but the other reason is that my parents never had a rosy marriage and I grew up anti-relationships but that’s another story. Now I think I’m ready to date, My EDs may try to deter me though indirectly but I think I can challenge them or at least try to.