This isn’t a post about the song by The Clash but about how conflicted I am about going to this 21st birthday party. A girl I only just met 2 weeks ago is having the party, her mum and my mum are colleagues and that’s it. I met up with her 2 weeks ago and she’s actually really nice and humble.. great girl. Tomorrow is the day of her party and I cannot go because I feel so dizzy and rundown, I have an on off tummy ache, I have these sensations in my head, I’m super stressed because of applications for post grad and the last thing I want is to go to a party of someone I hardly know. I don’t have a car and I would have to take two modes of transportation, I’d probably collapse on my way there besides I feel fat and my hair is ugh.. excuses excuses!
I could go and not make this a big deal but I’m here debating with myself about the real reason I don’t feel like going, maybe I’m making excuses because I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone and I’m getting frustrated with myself because I promised myself to go out more and not just stay at home and eat icecream. If I’m honest with myself maybe the reason is that I just don’t care and I need to be okay with that. I’m also really angry at my body for being so weak and sickly all the time, look at me I’m young and I can’t go to a 21st because one of the reasons is: I’m ill. I’m angry at my eating disorder for doing this to my body, I’m angry at myself for not fighting it with all that is in me… but.most of all I’m tired no not tired weary, I just want to sleep for a thousand years. I’m too exhausted to fight myself.
As it stands right now I’ve decided not to go to the party my body isn’t up for it, my mind isn’t as well. I wanted to be awesome and actually go to something for once where I was invited to but I can’t force the issue, now to think of an excuse to tell her.