Early sunday evening breakdown

I spent the whole of today annoyed with my brother because he had his friends over and they were playing play station and making a mess and I just got so moody and stayed in my room. They left eventually and I was ecstatic, Since the living room was now free I decided to watch some tv then we had a power cut, of course that would happen to me I was now home alone.

I was now hungry after having drunk coke zero and a cup of tea as my lunch and breakfast I just wanted a dinner of veggies and grilled chicken but I couldn’t open the gas and that’s when I just broke down. Here I was on my own in the dark with a dim lamp, dizzy and starving and all I wanted was to cook veggies. just that. I started to cry about how much I hate how nothing goes right for me, how some people have it easy, how insignificant I feel, how alone I am… a multitude of issues. This breakdown was a build up of the little things that have been happening in the past few weeks. I’m usually so good at repressing stuff I can’t remember the last time I cried, I don’t cry anymore what’s the point? but today I just let it all out. I was so mad.. I am mad infact I am furious at life in general I feel like I play the toughest hand all the time, this hand I’ve been dealt with I’m not sure if I even want to keep playing it… anymore.

I paced around the house then in a fit of rage I smashed the lamp that was in my hand smashed onto the floor I thought it’d be some sort of release but I felt silly afterwards and I had to clean up the mess which I found to be irritating. I then proceeded to go and sit on the cold tiles on the living floor and cried some more, I just needed to let that episode to run it’s course so that I could go back to numbing everything again.

I eventually managed to turn on the gas, had my meal and carried on like it never happened, my brother came back home we watched tv and drank coffee he tolerates my mood swings.. bless him. My mum came home from work and she asked me why my eyes are so red, “are you sleepy” she asked yes I replied then I remembered I cried for an hour earlier I don’t even remember it, okay I do remember it but I can’t believe it even happened.

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