I’m very confused. I have been bingeing a lot lately and I feel huge, I was wearing a hoodie with no pants cleaning the living room table and I saw my reflection in the tv ( you know how a tv can be a mirror when it’s turned off) I didn’t like what I see I never do but today was even worse, I looked at how my knees resemble tree trunks, how massive my hips look. I just felt like I let myself down and I vowed I was not going to eat. Today I’ve had a coke zero, half an apple, a piece of boiled chicken and a cup of tea. I’m running on empty but that feeling of emptiness in my stomach is proof that today has been a success.
My confusion stems from the fact that I feel like I’ve gained weight but my clothes tell a different story they are bigger, secretly I’m thrilled of course but why can’t what my clothes reveal be translated into me seeing myself as the size I truly am. It’s driving me crazy.
I don’t own a scale I think it’s for the best because I would always be going on it and obsessing even more and I can’t have that. The only time I know how much I weigh is when I go the doctors and I always dread stepping on it, you should see the thrilled expression on my face when I weigh lesser than I did on a previous doctor’s appointment. I have even fasted days before going to the doctor’s so that the number on the scale will be lesser than it was before which is defeating because I always end up getting told that I’m relapsing. Sometimes the word relapse excites me because if I am relapsing then that means I’ve lost weight that I had gained in recovery but then at the same time I want recovery but I don’t want the weight gain that comes along with it which is impossible so that is why I choose to perpetuate this vicious cycle. It’s funny I say choose because the fact of the matter is I don’t have any other option.
Off topic but I’m not one to say I’d rather die than be fat but I’d rather not have been born than be fat. This is how my mind works.