I honestly have never an overly happy person as a child maybe it was a result of the fact that I grew up with an abusive father, the abuse was never targeted towards me but towards my mother and I always felt the need to protect her but obviously could not since I was just a little girl. I was never sad either both of my parents loved me a lot they still do and they raised me in a chilled way in the sense that it was never an authoritarian relationship I always had a say on anything that concerned me and I appreciate that because that made me into the strong-willed person I am, maybe I was born with maybe my upbringing has nothing to do with it I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s something that no one can take away from me.
My in-between emotional state as a child managed to somehow translate into anger when I was a teenager. I was so mad and I felt like I needed to be heard I felt like I would lose my voice fighting with my dad begging him not to beat up my mother anymore. My brother and I used to physically try to stop him, my mother laying on the floor.. Helpless. The fights would start when he got home late at night and I think the reason I am such a light sleeper is because my mother would yell my name whilst dad had his hands round her throat and I would get up and wake my brother so that we could save our mother. When it got worse we could call the maid from her room and dad would get embarrassed and then he stopped, it would be 4am and we would go back to bed only to wake up 3 hours later to go to school and dad would drop us off all smiles and joking around as if the previous night did not happen, god I hated him.
I always had a voice and always told my dad to fuck off if he was being a complete dick but It was during the time I was 17 that what I said began have more punch and it began to hurt him and it was at this point I accepted that I didn’t have a father at least in the ways that matter.
When I was 19 I started to feel too much, every little thing was huge everything was meant to be analysed over and I slowly drove my mind into the abyss searching for some sort of calm to these hideous emotions that had become a burden. I had just started university at this time and I decided to distract myself by focusing 1000% on my books, I carried on like that for a year but I over analysed everything to the extreme now so much so I developed crippling anxiety. I would get these weird sensations in my head and my doctor put me on anti-anxiety meds which were pink but I forgot the name that’s how much out of it I was how can you forget something like that. I was also put on zolpidem and they made me sleep and made me this extrovert I had no limits when I was on it, I would get so social and out there and my parents took action for me to stop taking them but I was already hooked. After that came a year of numbness with an addiction to sleeping pills, I cherish those days because I was oblivious to everything, my relationship with my dad, my home life with parents that will not stop bickering, it was bliss but it was a dark time.
I had gotten so tired of ricocheting in-between sadness and happiness a few months before my 21st birthday I just started to not feel anything at all. I didn’t have any more strength in me to fight my dad, to cry in my bed at night, to scream and tell them that I was fine. I didn’t care about anyone or anything all I cared about was getting my degree.
Fast forward to now (still 21) I feel less than I felt months ago, it’s as the little emotion that is left in me is slowly seeping out as the months progress. Maybe my dad is to blame for my lack of feeling all of things he subjected me through maybe if he was a great dad I would not be like this, I know that no matter which environment you grew up in or who raised you who you become is your choice and not anyone else’s but I believe who you are is you of course but to a very lesser extent we are all products of our environment, so yes my dad’s doings has something to do with my emotions even now as a grown up. I am glad though that this particular apple fell far from the tree, I am nothing like my dad.
I payed too much attention to everything that happened around me as a child and I absorbed these happenings completely, now I am emotionally bankrupt the only thing that can evoke any sort of emotion in me is music and that’s it. I have not cried for a long time though I cried last week but it was that sort of crying where tears are falling down your cheeks but you don’t actually feel it. There is nothing that a person can say to me right now that will make me feel sad. I do have moments when I’m happy and that is when I’m hanging out with my older brother he is simply the best. When I found out that I had passed my degree with a cum laude I smiled, a few screams here and there posted about how elated I was but I wasn’t really thrilled, worked my butt off for 3 years I get to the finish line after all that bullshit I put myself through and I did not for the life of me feel a single thing.
Sometimes it’s good to be like this nothing can touch me but this is no way to live. Another thing that makes this state better besides music is how I joke around all the time, people call me chuckle house because all I do is tell jokes and bullshit. I suppose I’m one of those overly happy on the outside but depressed on the inside… I’m such cliché. I hope I’ll get there, get that to that space where I’m fine emotionally and if I ever get there it won’t be fast enough.