I’m writing this sitting in public transportation in the sweltering heat. It’s exactly 2pm and today I’ve had a very relaxed morning I can attribute that to the meet up I had with a friend of mine, a new friend we get along very well but even though it’s still early days I feel as though the friendship is one-sided, she is the one that makes the effort with texting me etc. It’s not that I don’t want to chat with her or anything I’m rather inept when it comes to any sort of human interaction, I don’t want to call her because I feel like I’d be annoying her though this might not even be the case it’s all in my head.
I always assume nobody likes me unless they explicitly tell me that they like me and would like to hang out with me then periodically remind me.
So on our meet up with my friend we had to eat oh no eating in public what a nightmare it was at this time I just felt like my eating disorder was choking me though I did not show how uncomfortable I was I put on a brave face. She knows about my disoder so she was walking on egg shells around me, normally that would irritate me if anyone does that but I wasn’t which is weird. She then went on to tell that I should just force myself to eat she doesn’t understand how eating disorders are like so I just nodded as she spoke as if she was equipping me with vital information that would solve my 11 year eating disorders. I know she meant well I’m not mad at her… Bless her heart, I think I’ve found a new friend we might be going on holiday to Cape town in November!
When it was time to order she then realised that she was fasting for religious purposes and she couldn’t eat but I ordered a Cuppacino and drank 3/4 of it because I wanted her to see me consume something and afterwards I felt so fat.. So huge! I am glad she was fasting because that meant no food I just used the if you’re not eating neither am I line.
Can’t this this go any faster (still in public transportation) the guy next to me is peering at my phone.. Annoying.
I bought binge food it costs me 95cents, a pack of biscuits and some corn curls. My binges are getting smaller normally I would use up to $10 yikes! I’m not gonna binge today.. I hope… that Cuppacino ruined what would have been a nice day of restriction.