Since Monday my eating has been compulsive to say the least. On Monday I was in the normal calorie intake range but on Tuesday and today things spiraled out of control. I ate a packet of biscuits and a lollipop in my bed on Tuesday at midnight watching something on my laptop. Yesterday I basically spent the whole day eating non stop. I ate ice cream, cereal, biscuits, pies, bread, chocolate, gallons of juice, gallons of coffee with full cream milk, crisps then I baked some chocolate biscuits and drizzled treacle on them, more ice cream more chocolate and then some muffins. It was really intense and as result I got terrible flatulence. I felt as though I was going to burst and the entire time I put anything into my mouth I was incredibly full. I had no appetite but I kept eating for the taste and because I could, by the time I went to bed I was actually sick!

Today I woke up with the intention of restricting but then something happened and I felt like I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and boy did I eat. I had 2 muffins, a bowl of cornflakes, a mug of ice cream, 2 pieces of bread with treacle, some juice I felt like I needed to purge I just had to get the food out of me so I took this hollow dustpan since my brother had his friends over in his room, I took the dustpan and purged I felt so great afterwards but instead of stopping eating I went back for round 2. I ate a pie, drank a pint of milk, ate some more bread, another muffin, coke zero (what a contradiction), engaged in some chew and spit of bread and peanut butter, ate some more crisps then I decided to have an early dinner I ate another pie and a glass of juice, after that I was incredibly full and I decided to purge again but the food would not come out because during my binge I did not take enough fluids to make the food come up easier, silly me but I had no intention of having another purge.

I feel I’ve taken 1000 steps backwards and right now I feel so full and I just want this food out of me. I could try again and have another attempt at the ‘ol purge but I’m afraid of something going wrong, I think I threw up bits of blood when I tried to purge earlier. I’ve been doing this for so long. This whole bingeing has completely lost it’s excitement. It used to wrapped me in it’s arms and offer me some type of refuge but it has now a prison I can’t escape, I guess it has always been a prison and I couldn’t see it yet.
My stomach right now feels like someone is stabbing me with tiny needles, purging takes a toll on my body now, more than it usually does. I am amazed at how when I was mainly a purging type bulimic (now I mainly fast) I used to eat more and purge more often up to 9 times a day and tomorrow I would wake up just fine and carry on, now one purge I feel like death.

Tomorrow I’m going to fast, the circle never ends does it. Binge, guilt, purge, fast and repeat. My life wasn’t supposed to be like this. This is not what I signed up for.


2 thoughts on “Motionless

  1. Have you tried eating Fiber Bars? They are a natural laxative. Not that I’m trying to give you another outlet to rid yourself of your food, but at least it may not be so harmful to your body so you aren’t throwing up blood. 😦

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