Today I woke up with this sudden urge to clean the whole house. I started early 7:30am I was already cleaning up a storm. I cleaned everything even the fridge and the walls, did the laundry , even cleaned my brother’s room. All of this was a huge attempt to stay off the bingeing and purging. Four hours later I was still cleaning I could have been at it for another 2 hours if it weren’t for a text message I received from my aunt’s friend who has just come back from the states, I had to go and collect a cell phone that my aunt sent for me, awesome right?! I’ve been needing an upgrade for a while now.
I was shocked when I looked at myself in the mirror my face look horrible, my skin is dry and flaky and my pupils… so dilated. The 4 purges I had yesterday really did some damage and my hair… thin and gross. Thank god for beenies and red lipstick!
Since I have no car I had to take public transportation I got on the wrong bus and had to get off only to find out that there I can’t find any bus in that area so I had to foot it, it was hot and I felt so vulnerable walking in a neighborhood I don’t know it actually was silly of me because it’s a very nice neighborhood but I’m one of those people who when walking in the street always assume that every person I come across is likely to hurt me or every car that passes by me might abduct me. I watch too much tv namely Medical detectives so I’m always fearful of stuff like that.
I wore my green skinnies and man I felt like a cow but I tried as much as I can to just not focus on my body. Anyway I walked about 3.8 km till I got to my aunt’s friend’s house I had trouble finding the house and by this time I was already exhausted. I was surprised how I was not socially anxious and managed to hold a conversation and I felt good about myself. It’s funny how when the lady asked me to take a seat and I did the sofa literally engulfed me and I felt pretty awkward because I was drowning in this sofa right almost bursting into laughter and trying to have a conversation with her and her whole family, grandparents included.. It was hilarious.
Walking home definitely took it’s toll on me, silly me for not carrying a water with me. Turns out the short cut I decided to take was not a shortcut at all because the way back home was about 4.2 km. The last 1.7 km took a toll on me and I just wanted the wind to take me so I could fly and magically land on my sofa with a cold beverage. When I made it home it was already 3pm all I wanted to do was to collapse on the sofa but that was not to be because my 5 dogs, yes 5… knocked over the bin and it’s contents were strewn all over the yard and I to sweep it up, I could bend down my back was killing (still is) after walking all those k’s it was a huge shock to my system!
Even though my body is broken with sheer exhaustion today I managed to distract myself from destruction and it makes the pain in legs and back worth it. I know that If I had not done all of these activities today would have been a different story. Right now I’m starving but I can’t eat anything besides veg and chicken and I’m pretty bummed because I could use a meal but I can’t. Distraction has always been my go to thing throughout the years in trying to fight off my eating disorders. I guess the reason why the bingeing and purging is spiraling out of control is the fact that I don’t have anything to do at all.. At all. Studying keeps me occupied but now that I am done with my studies… Well for now… I have nothing to sink my teeth into which is why I am going on a job interview on Monday. You’d think as a young recent graduate the drive to get a job would be to utilise my degree and gain knowledge and be hungry for work etc etc but the reason why I’m doing this is to distract myself, of course the money will come in handy but that’s a secondary reason.
It’s 6pm and I’m about to make some dinner for myself and watch Awkward if all the days were like today I think I’d be able to live life. I give today a 6/10!