It is almost 8:30pm and I’m watching the news…. Starving because I had apple and some fish for dinner which was really slimy and ugh. Anyway tomorrow morning I am going for the job interview for a management trainee position, I’ve never gone on a job interview before and I’ve never even had a job so this is whole new territory for me. I am not nervous because I feel like I don’t really have to start working yet I want to do my post grad first but I figured some work experience would be great and if I get it at least I won’t be home all day bingeing and purging letting my eating disorder have a more tighter grip on me, the grip has always been tight but right now that grip is crushing me and I’m breaking into pieces.
I initially planned on wearing a blazer, some dark coloured jeans and pumps but today as (bad) luck would have it Aunt Flo came round and I always feel fat when she’s around so I’ve decided on a dress, some opaque tights, flats and a blazer at least I’ll be covering my fat bits i.e. my hips! It’s pathetic how much control my issues with body image and my eating disorder have effect on everything, I’m planning what I’ll wear based on how large I’ll look as opposed to if what I wear will make a good impression or not. Nothing even matters my life revolves around these things and everything else is insignificant.
I used to be so organized but now I’m just slacking off on a lot of things. I spent the day in bed watching movies then I got up at 5:30pm and sat in front of the tv, I do not have energy for life… instead of sitting on my arse I should have gone and printed my cv since we do not have one at home but I didn’t because I woke up and my hips felt large so the energy in me just disappeared, so tomorrow I will have to rush into town and print my stuff at the last minute.. I never used to be like this only just started recently maybe I’m taking a “time out” but what I do know is that I need a vacation from life. I didn’t even spread my bed today… I last combed my hair on Friday.
I’m most certainly going to have an early night… Tomorrow is a big day… so everyone keeps telling me. I don’t give a crap about this job or life to be honest. I always jokingly say I need to sleep for a thousand years and these days it’s actually more the truth than a silly joke. It gets to a point where you’re tired of fighting but it’s not like you’re done fighting… I just need a break… a phase…. to go completely off the rails so that when I get back on track it’ll be for good, that’s my “theory” which could be bullshit for all I know but I’m banking on it.. I suppose.