3 Days… without the demons named binge and purge

Since Sunday I haven’t binged not even a mini binge, I have been restricting severely! Tuesday is almost over and thank god tomorrow I go into day FOUR! This is the longest that I’ve gone without eating myself into oblivion only to cram my fingers down my throat to rid of the guilt and I can’t say I am proud of myself because the reason why the past few days have been good is because I did not have the house to myself and obviously could not engage in bulimic episodes. I guess I should give myself some credit for having some sort of will power because on Monday I went into town if I REALLY wanted to binge I would have bought binge food ate it in my room at midnight when everybody else had gone to sleep then purge it all.. I am not above that.. When it comes to the extents I go to binge and purge I have no limits.

I remember a few years ago we were building a cottage at the back of our house and it was partially finished with the roof still needing to be built, It was on a Sunday and I binged so much like I always mention those days my binges were much more larger than they were I can’t imagine being as full as I would make myself… after I binged I could not throw up without being heard because my dad was in the house and he is one of those people with “sharp ears” he can hear the most silent conversations from 2 rooms away much worse the sound of someone violently puking! I went outside to our partially finished cottage and grabbed a plastic bag and I purged and purged till bile came out then I threw it away in the drain outside the house went back inside like nothing happened.

Those days my stomach actually “agreed” with anything I wanted it to do, throwing up was way easier everything would just come out.. Effortlessly. I was once in recovery for 3 months but after I relapsed purging was never the same again I guess you can say those 3 months of recovery messed up my “purging system” . There were days when all I had to do was kneel on the edge of my bed and bend over facing the floor and the food would just come out.

I just had to take a break from writing this and had my dinner, One boiled carrot chopped and a piece of grilled chicken it was nice.. well the chicken was, now I’m sipping on some juice and mentally preparing myself for tomorrow it’s going to be an early morning. I don’t know what it is about early mornings that make whatever I’m going through ten times worse, it’s cold in the mornings then the actual waking up, bathing while feeling like a hippo and getting dressed! Tomorrow will probably not be as strict as the past 3 days, I might even throw in a glass of milk and probably have a nice dinner.

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