Girl Lost

It is exactly 1am and I am wide awake because I’ve been over thinking again… overanalysing every single thing. I am very stressed right now. I want to apply to a couple of international universities for post grad and the processes which I have to go through are so involving. I’m still waiting for my uni to send me my academic record because I need it to be able to apply to other unis and it’s taking ages the closing dates are near. The whole processes are daunting applying for a study permit, medical aid that is approved by that country, medical screening etc. To add on to that stress my uni is taking a long time verifying my degree and they are yet to change my student status from “final year student” to “qualification complete” if they do that soon enough then I’ll be able to know my graduation information so I’ll know when the date of the graduation is, travel arrangements need to be made as the university is far I do not want a last minute situation because I want my family to be there especially my mum and brother. I just wish they would just hurry up for pity’ sake. I’m literally driving myself insane.

Today I had this thought that maybe I made a mistake by studying what I studied, I am a business management major. I feel so confused and exhausted but I haven’t even started with anything yet career wise, I finished my degree barely a month ago and I already feel defeated by the job market which is silly because I haven’t been looking for a job at all. I’m not confident about my degree so I immediately feel inferior to someone who has a degree in say Accounting or Law. Will ever get my foot in the door? I know that happening is going to be problematic because it’s one thing not having doors open for you but it’s a completely different thing when you don’t even know which door you want open. I am in that “I don’t know what I want… oh wait I do know what I want but do I really want it and why is it everything ten times harder and stressful for me” stage of life. I think it’s time I admitted to myself that I’m stuck, some would say I have it easy but that does not make what I am feeling disappear. I feel so lost.

I went to a job interview and I did not give a crap what the outcome would be I wore a beanie to the interview I’m not even kidding! I did wear a blazer and a dress, opaque tights and flatties.. I think I looked formal-like. The interviewer asked me to bring certified copies of my certificates and drop them off with his secretary, my high school certificates are fine but I don’t have my uni certificates yet so I’m thinking result slips will do.. Whatever. Secretly I hope I don’t get this job I am not up for it though yesterday I said I wanted it so I can at least get out of the house and not binge and purge but now I can sense that I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown, I’m always on the edge but this time I’m going to fall off a cliff.

Maybe one day when I’m sitting in a big office and strategising, making policies and the like I’ll think of these days that are riddled with self doubt and laugh… maybe I’ll look back how far I’ve come… maybe this phase is happening for a reason and that reason is probably going through this so that when I come out of the other side I’ll be stronger. Maybe… I’d like to make myself belief.

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