Consumed by hate

I don’t even know how I got to this point where I am so consumed by hate for one person and one person only. I am not a hateful person at all but every fibre in my being hates this person more than words can ever explain, I would not gladly dance on this person’s grave I just would not go to their funeral, I would then wipe them out from my memory I would have no problem at all doing that. I can’t do that right now since I see him every single day, moving out would be the best option but I don’t have a penny to my name… he disowned me, you see.

He is in the kitchen right now and I can feel my hate for him growing even when he breathes or walks or eats or asks me questions everything he does makes me even hate him more. He asks me these stupid questions I obviously would have no answers to and that aggravates me his presence is bad enough and now he has to be condescending and make these insinuations, you can hear the hate in his voice and I’m sure he can hear the irritation and the anger in mine.

So he spends the day at home- me on my laptop and him in his bedroom reading the paper, the sound of him flipping the pages sending me into a fit of rage because what the fuck is he doing here… the scum- We know on weekends you’re never here you’re always with your other family the one which you abandoned us for… we’ve adjusted actually we enjoy your absence because you’re useless and you will never grow up. At 21 I am more the adult that you’ll never be, everyone has been begging for you to set your priorities straight but it always falls on deaf ears. I have given up all hope of ever having a relationship with you because a leopard never changes it’s spots. I’ve crossed my fingers tight and tighter and tighter I’ve prayed for you to be the man that I thought you were capable of being but I gave up hope a long time ago there is nothing deep inside of you just a hopeless aging bastard with a heart of stone.

He once told me that I would never amount to anything. He said I would never finish university, get married, have children and be happy because apparently he holds the key to that happening “ I could curse you right now and your future will be so bleak, do you dare me? DO YOU? DO YOU?” he said that to me a couple of months ago and that was before he disowned me because I refused to be verbally abused. Thank God I am the type of person I am in terms of standing up for myself that is one quality about myself I would never change. So here I am finished with university and I got here without his help financial help or otherwise.

He just took a bath and will be living soon, good riddance to bad rubbish! I do not care for him he could go off and drive into a ditch for all I care – I do not wish him dead and could never wish that on somebody…. But I suppose I could watch and enjoy as scary monsters devour his face and I would not even lend a helping hand because he broke my fingers.

I need to deal with this hate before it swallows me whole or spits me out only to swallow me again and chew me up for round 2. I hate hate hate hate hate this man.

He is the reason why I am the way I am. I will rise above this.

What a cliché to have “daddy issues”


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