Resilient Mind

How do I do it? How do I function on so little, I spend the day feeling like I’m about to collapse because of sheer dizziness brought on by my disordered eating. The past two days I’ve been feeling like my head is about to cave in because of all the constant thought about food and hiding the fact that I am not eating from my mother, battling the anxiety of feeling heavier whilst all the while trying to maintain a “I’m great I’ve just haven’t been sleeping well lately face”.

I went shopping again with my mum and today I had to be strong despite the fact that I was feeling spaced out and my hands were almost shaking from starvation. I endured it, trying on jacket after jacket after jacket. Because of my EDs I am not so much a strong person physically but I have a resilient mind and that pushes me through a lot. I might feel like I’m going to faint but I tell myself to be strong and that being dizzy and weak it’s all in my head. It works all the time. Once I have gone over that stage that feeling of weakness becomes this force that impels me to do more, it as If I forget how close I was to hitting the floor. It’s like I’ve been re-fueled.

Tonight though is another story I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, a jeep and a bicycle as well. I am lying in my bed and my body is telling me something I can’t understand though I’m trying to listen to it. My mind for the first time refuses to do what it does best and that is to strengthen me mentally so that it translates into physical strength. I took an Iron tablet maybe I’m lacking in Iron. Maybe. I suppose it is the… obvious my body and now my mind is starving but I refuse to give in, in the morning this will all be over or it could be worse. I did eat something unscheduled today – some ice cream and a coffee with milk… the rest was just same old same old.

I preoccupied myself today by downloading a million apps on my phone… anything to distract myself from thinking about food and eating. I downloaded a pedometer and I know I’m going to be consumed by it obsessing about the calories burnt. Even though restriction has been going fairly well I can for see a huge binge in the next 48 hours, it’s inevitable. I’ve stopped taking that herbal weight loss supplement I don’t need it even though it works I feel like I’m taking things to the extreme again but knowing me I’ll probably take it religiously again after a binge because post binge guilt is enough to drive me to do the most ridiculous things.

I’ve started hiding my hands again because they are so veiny and embarrassing. I have a lollipop that I’m going to eat and watch a series then go to bed. I’ve been debating with myself for over an hour on whether I should eat that lollipop or not. I’m exhausted… My life is exhausting.

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