2011- The worst year of my life

Today I feel much better last night was the second scariest thing to ever happen to me, the first is when in 2011 I had an unexplained head condition where it felt like I had fluid moving inside my head. The sensations came from absolutely nowhere, actually it started as a huge headache and the some dizziness then things escalated. The feeling of fluid inside my head was very frightening because if I moved sideways the fluid shifted. It alternated from feeling of fluid like I was bleeding inside to this weird heat inside my head I would tell everyone that it felt like my head was on fire.

I had these sensations for almost a year, the doctor prescribed sleeping tablets and when I took the tablets the next morning I’d be fine but by noon the sensations would return. My doctor even scheduled a CT scan but before that I had blood tests and a whole load of tests and they all came out fine. It was just a mystery illness no doctor could figure out what was wrong. I remember this one night when the sensations got too much it felt like acid was eating the inside of my head I don’t know how best to explain it, we went to the hospital and the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety pills for and I could not believe that it was happening to me 19 years old and I had a mystery head illness of all illnesses.

It is tragically hilarious how even all of this was happening I did not stop binging and purging at all. I would get so mad and scared of what was happening to me binging and purging was the only temporary escape but if course I wasn’t making the situation any easier. I tried everything and I mean everything to get better, I drank litres of water per day, I ate but only so that I could take my meds, I got IV drips twice a week, drank a lot of herbs and I even went to church this one Sunday service after church when we were heading home the sensations got even worse and I begged my mum to take me to the hospital but we drove back to the church and the pastor and his wife and other church members all prayed for me and that was after I had accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour five minutes before, I had not been to church in years but I was looking for something anything to believe in so that I could be cured, I felt like I was dying.

My mum used to sleep in the same bed as me instead of her own bed she would literally hold me by the corner of my t-shirt when I was sleeping not wanting me to slip away and she often woke up in the middle of the night to check if I was still breathing, thinking of that makes me teary eyed, I’ve come a long way.

I promised myself and God that if I get healed I would finally try to fight my eating disorder but unfortunately I did not keep that promise and I hate myself for it.I wrote a statistics exam with a fluid like sensation in my head and that was the most awful things that I’ve had to endure.

My mum and I would take drives and I would play the song conspiracy by Paramore and the line “explain to me this conspiracy against me” spoke volumes to me because what had I done deserve such an illness. The sensations never really went away but now it’s a bit of feeling of heat inside my head that I feel every now and again but I live in constant fear that it’ll start again if it does I doubt if I’ll have the fight in me I gave all my strength back in 2011. I fought for the air in my lungs for nearly a year and never learnt what it actually was so I basically live in the confines of fear when it comes to that issue. I never got the closure like here this is the disease that you have and we can treat it with such and such instead I just got fed pills and when the pills did not work I suffered for months until it went away it’s own.

I’m still here, I survived but I can’t relax and let it go, I feel like I left a piece of myself back there and I’ll never get that part of me back. Everything about me breaks my heart.

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