We will always be haunted

I genuinely think that those people with eating disorders like myself will never (fully) recover, the optimistic side of me wants to believe that it is possible to recover it CAN be done but we are so entrenched in these disordered thoughts it’s hard to get back to a normal state… if you were ever in that state to begin with. If you have had an eating since you were a child you really don’t know what normal is your habits have become so embedded in your brain, of course you might know the required calorie intake that is recommended for you but it’s all very alien and it’s not about food it’s about much more at the core than just inability to eat a meal or mere vanity.

I hate to say this but I am jealous of people whose eating disorders started in their late teens to early twenties or even later in life because I think they enjoyed their teen years, they had a childhood without an eating disorder of any sort having a tight grip on them, I never had that because at aged 8 I was already skipping meals and taking herbal supplements to lose weight it wasn’t until the age of 10 when my diets became too extreme I was extremely thin but it was at about age 13 I developed anorexia. I never got the chance to eat birthday cake, eat sweets like a normal kid without feeling guilty. I never swam during swimming time in primary school because I was conscious about my body and that is the reason why to this day I can’t swim. I believe I was born with a predisposition to have an eating disorder but I wish it could have given me a break at least it could have given me the chance to be a kid.

I do not mean to say my situation is worse than those who developed an eating disorder later in life or lessen their disorder into something less serious because it’s not, even if a person has had an ED for six months, a year or ten years the effects are the same…the patterns. It might manifest itself differently in each person but the demon(s) we are all fighting is the same. I am probably the text book case of the anorexic/bulimic if you pick up a book that describes the eating disorder sufferer then you now know me in terms of the ED aspect. I envy people who are aware of what they look like, body dysmorphia is terrible because I don’t perceive myself the way others do and that is frustrating. If I am very emaciated at that particular time I would want to be able to recognize it, there are some sufferers who can recognize it when they are actually underweight. In my 10+ years of suffering even in the depths of anorexia I feel like I have stayed the same weight I’ve never felt skinny enough (do we ever?) but obviously that is not the case because they kept/keep telling me I need to gain weight.

Eating is a simple act if you really think about it, you eat what you want till you’re full then you go about doing other things right? I wouldn’t know. It all sounds great in theory doesn’t it but in practice it is impossible. You eat breakfast and instead of getting over it you obsess on why you ate it then you feel obese and you think well I might as well eat everything since I’ve gone this far then you surfeit yourself and you regret it and think I should have stopped eating after I had that breakfast that now seems normal as compared to what you have devoured.

Today I woke up feeling sick then out of the blue – like always- I found myself tucking into some cereal, crisps, a piece of chocolate, a cup of tea and 2 biscuits oh and ice cream why I ate that I have no clue. I then tried to purge but it was one of those unsuccessful purges… just a bit of the food came out I tried for almost an hour and… nothing. Now I am going through the motions of post binge guilt, I am frustrated with myself for being on a 3 day binge and not that much of purging. The scare I had on Tuesday when my heart was beating weirdly brought this on. I am trying to compensate for feeling guilty about not eating much lately by stuffing my face then trying to purge… My thought process for a – lack of a better word is – fucked.

To recover I am going to have to get locked up in a room and get fed normal meals at regular intervals for the rest of my life but that is unrealistic and undesirable anyway. I am certain those who recover will always have their ED hovering around them I suppose the loud voices of an ED never disappear but they will always be present in the form of silent whispers. I am amazed by people who say they have recovered but they look slim, is that even possible. The reason why I sometimes hold on to any one of my EDs is because recovery scares me, what if I go off the rails and balloon up and get fat, yes I admit I do hold on to my EDs and they hold on to me as well, the serenity that starving myself and seeing hip bones is something to cherish but at the same time I want to be free.

“Do not give up otherwise you’ll never know what you could have become” that is a quote to live by isn’t it but some battles are so difficult to not (want) give up on. My only hope right now isn’t recovery I want to get to a place where my EDs are manageable and not completely affecting every aspect of my life, once I get there I’ll then aim for recovery… baby steps. It is crazy and I would never say this to anyone but sometimes I think having a baby is the thing that’ll save me from my EDs maybe if I had someone who depended on me I would want to recover for him/her. It sounds crazy I know actually it IS crazy, no one and nothing can save you but YOU. It would be unfair to bring another person into this world when I can’t even take care of myself and besides I would actually have to be in a committed relationship if I am to have a baby and the thought of me in a relationship is hilarious, I am a loser. There are tons of pregnant women out there who are anorexic and/ or bulimic I feel so for the child they are carrying but I do not judge them because I UNDERSTAND. I saw a segment of that topic in a show called supersize vs superskinny and it was a very sad thing to watch.

I have a pepsi light and my favourite club is playing Liverpool FC, for now my mind is going to be occupied by other things that I actually enjoy.

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