I am worth more than two fingers jammed down my throat
I am worth more than 4 days of starvation drinking nothing but diet coke and fruit
I am worth more than scoffing down a pack of biscuits, chocolate and sweets in my bed at midnight
People stare at my hands, my neck, face
I can sense them judging me.. that look in their eyes how they feel sorry for me.
I purged and I had to stop myself, think of your future and your dreams… that’s what I tell myself these days when the urge gets too strong.
Why is it so… walking away from a purge is one of the most painful things, your stomach is full you don’t remember what you even ate, I liken the feeling of a full stomach to actual physical pain
So I walked away… but not for long I came back and it was as if something came over me.
Ah! Release… and it was done.
The messiness of it is terrible.. purged for the third time tonight on a huge towel on my bedroom floor not the bathroom no.. I did not want to risk to getting caught…
I am disgusting.
So now I sit on my laptop writing this and other stuff.
I’m writing a small book of “poetry” you see all sad stuff that would alarm my family if they ever read it, as if I’ll find the cure or enlightenment from typing a few paragraphs… deluded
I am worth more than all the bullshit I put myself through.
I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know
So what the hell is wrong with me