More than this

I am worth more than two fingers jammed down my throat

I am worth more than 4 days of starvation drinking nothing but diet coke and fruit

I am worth more than scoffing down a pack of biscuits, chocolate and sweets in my bed at midnight

People stare at my hands, my neck, face

I can sense them judging me.. that look in their eyes how they feel sorry for me.

I purged and I had to stop myself, think of your future and your dreams… that’s what I tell myself these days when the urge gets too strong.

Why is it so… walking away from a purge is one of the most painful things, your stomach is full you don’t remember what you even ate, I liken the feeling of a full stomach to actual physical pain

So I walked away… but not for long I came back and it was as if something came over  me.

                  Ah! Release… and it was done. 

The messiness of it is terrible.. purged for the third time tonight on a huge towel on my bedroom floor not the bathroom no.. I did not want to risk to getting caught… 

I am disgusting.

So now I sit on my laptop writing this and other stuff.

I’m writing a small book of “poetry” you see all sad stuff that would alarm my family if they ever read it, as if I’ll find the cure or enlightenment from typing a few paragraphs… deluded

I am worth more than all the bullshit I put myself through.

 I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

So what the hell is wrong with me

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