I don’t know what I am doing, do I really want what I want yes but is it possible… I don’t know… I don’t think so. I am determined and hungry for this opportunity but there are certain obstacles that are present that WILL deter it from happening. I am trying to hold on to this dream and the tighter my grip, the more I want it, the more steps I take to float towards this dream the more it’s slipping from my fingers.
My ambitions have not faded but they are already starting to. I am ricocheting between extreme optimism to the inevitable pessimism and I mad at myself for allowing myself to hope. I always tell myself to expect the worst but I took a huge leap and hoped things will work out and now I regret it immensely because I feel like the castle that I built in the air is going to crash on me at any minute. If that happens I’ll never recover.
I am a fish swimming in a tiny bowl month after month… year after year. I’ am so tired of going around in circles in this tiny world with such an insignificant existence. Repeating the same behaviours, being eaten by the same conflictions. I have been fighting demons for years and I am this close to driving my mind into the abyss in my search for the cure and happiness but mostly sanity. I used to say I didn’t mind my insanity because I enjoyed every minute of it but now…. I would give anything to be sane.
So now I embark on this grueling journey to live my dream, the processes are daunting. I am on my own in this the people around me support me in any decision I make and I appreciate it but sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I sometimes wonder if I want someone to tell me that what I am trying to accomplish cannot be done and talked “some sense” into me because then it would make it easier for me to abandon this thing, but deep down I know that I want that only because I have intense fear of failure and disappointment… like not reaching for your dreams because if you follow them and fail you’ll always feel that burn in your heart but if you don’t reach for them somewhere down the road the difference between the person you are and the person you could have been destroys every bit of you because if you had reached for that dream things…. Your life could have been different.
I wish mantras worked I could just recite a few of them and be well on my way to a positive outlook, then erase the fear and doubt but that’s not how it works. The next few months are going to define my immediate future am I ready?! Yes!!!! I’m pressing the reset button on my life. My fingers are crossed tight and I will try my damnest to not build castles in the air…. Again.