As if I wasn’t going to binge and purge.
Today was the worst I purged 4 times even though my binges were not supersize but they were binges. I was literally eating, watching tv, pressing pause, standing up to go and purge, put the kettle on for my next mug of tea and muffin then purging, made more food went to the living room sat in front of the tv again and scoffed whatever, I repeated this 4 times and the last purge I could hear my throat making cracking like noises so I stopped before purging everything.
I then sat down on the sofa now exhausted from it all I watched supersize vs superskinny and I could feel myself being triggered by images of skinny women that were on there and they had a segment where they talked about anorexia in the elderly I’m talking 60+ years and the sadness in this 60+ year old woman’s eyes with anorexia broke my heart and made me cry.. I know that look, I see it in my own eyes everyday.
Today is my brother’s 25th birthday and before he left the house to celebrate with his buddies I was actually quite happy, chatting and making jokes but as soon as he left it was just me and my EDs and they just could not wait to have their way with me.
It’s 8pm and I am sitting here with indigestion, dehydration, bloodshot eyes, dilated pupils, oncoming headache and my body is so exhausted. I am not even mad at myself for not having the will power I am just tired of it all…. I have no energy to have any kind of emotion. I plan on taking cold meds tonight even though I don’t have a cold I just want to lay my head on my pillow and sleep everything away… I’ll deal with everything later or I’ll run away from my problems. Whatever.