I went to visit my gran today and I was not myself at all, to be honest I am never myself I just put on a personality that suits whatever social situation I’m in. We were in the car on the way from the doctor’s office (my aunt is ill) and I just felt myself detach from myself and from everyone it was very weird it’s something that happens quite a lot and I hate it when it happens. All the time we were in the car my mum was driving all I could think of was how huge my thighs looked in my black leggings and I could not for the life of me focus on anything. I wore a bubble dress THE bubble dress I always wear because it hides my body and that is always a good thing.
We returned to gran’s house and we relaxed in front of the tv, chatting and laughing… they were chatting I was just sitting there smiling here and there aware of my social anxiety,laughing when everyone laughed even though I didn’t hear what had been said. It’s not that I cannot interact with my own family members today was just too much because I felt like crap.
I started to get anxious when the food was being prepared and I just wanted to get up and run away from that meal… run away and never come back. The house smelled so good chicken stew with rice real simple homemade goodness but it was too much for me, I felt like I was getting larger just by sitting on the sofa taking in the smells.. I felt so out of place… so helpless. I could hear the plates being taken out, from where I was sitting I could see the food being dished and it felt like I was looking at an enemy about to be served to me on a plate. My gran handed me my food and I panicked (obviously) in those 2 or so minutes waiting by the kitchen door I must have given her 5 excuses as to why I didn’t want to eat, “I’m not hungry” “I have a stomach ache” “I’ll eat later” “I ate before we came” I’m sure I gave a few more excuses but the fact of the matter is I couldn’t eat… not today after bingeing yesterday today I wasn’t going to give in. I refuse I refuse I refuse.
My gran is a very old fashioned woman… she is 78, she knows about my eating disorder(s) but not the name bulimia or anorexia she just thinks I don’t want to eat because I want to look skinny but she is aware of the severity of it. I could see the look of hurt in her eyes when I refused to eat the food she made, I have never eaten anything at her house in years and she takes it personally. She is the kind of woman who would give you cookies and cuddles and I hate it when I do this to her.
I remember a time when I was about six my mum I would go to my gran’s for tea after 9pm because we lived closer to each other, she would make me THE best tea ever with full cream milk and we ate it with biscuits all warm in front of a fireplace, that is one of the best memories of my childhood, that happiness before the avalanche. What is wrong with me I can’t even eat a simple meal at my sweet grandma’s house because I’m adhering to the strict rules my EDs set for me. Pathetic
Other reasons that supported my decision to not eat are “The stew has too much oil” in hindsight it actually did not have too much oil “even though I am not eating they should just accept me as I am” “It’s too hot to eat a meal” “My purges weren’t successful yesterday so still full from the binge”
I feel like crying right now because I’ve always known that I am incapable of functioning as a “normal” person but I didn’t know it was this severe.
One day I will eat a spontaneous meal and it won’t even be a big deal, I will eat a meal at my gran’s place and it will be normal and casual. I will not feel like fleeing when there is a threat of food being present, I will be less socially anxious, one day I might stop bingeing and purging, I will probably be in control of my own mind some day… I hope
Someday I will be a better me, I need to.. I have to… I want to.