I’m forever in a state of delusion and dreaming that blinds me from reality. I literally live in a bubble in this world that I built for myself as a of escaping everything. I spend hours imaging the most perfect version of myself that I want to be but can’t. I actually convince myself reality is like what I’m conjuring up then when reality strucks me it crushes me.
Last night I cried hunched over my bed my tears falling down onto my laptop it was a very low moment, in those 10 minutes I was balling my eyes out the gravity of my mental unwell-ness hit me like a ton of bricks. I hate moments when I feel like that because I can almost do anything, smoke or slit my wrists though I haven’t done it in a long time. It’s in those moments of desperation and hopelessness that I feel like I’m done with life. I could never do anything stupid… I would never.
Sometimes I feel like I am standing behind myself waiting to step inside myself and actually embrace reality and embrace myself as well and sometimes I feel like I just want to step outside of myself but every attempt I always fall off a cliff.
I want to peel these layers of bullshit I am hiding under.
I ate dinner tonight after 3 days of eating nothing but fruit and vegetables, the dizziness got the better of me I needed some solid food.. I went from feeling slim to feeling voluptuous after eating that dinner, like I just ballooned in a matter of minutes. I hate feeling full but at least I’m not lightheaded anymore.