All My Sorry

Today started out different, I ate breakfast (I never do) 30g cereal with a cup of white tea. If it wasn’t for the fact that I had to leave the house and go somewhere I would have ate and ate and ate. I shortly found out aunt flo had come around so that explains the hunger, thirst and general irritation.

I came back home 3 hours later and immediately put the kettle on for a coffee and a ginger muffin which I originally planned on picking on but ended up devouring all of it and then the guilt kicked in, I felt like I had reached that point of no return it was only a small muffin and half a cup of coffee for pity’s sake! I then thought what the hell and ate a small 140ml tub of full fat yogurt. I thought I could be strong and keep the food in me but the urge to purge was too strong like trying to wrestle a giant 10 times your size, it’s impossible.

My brother is on leave from work and we were watching our tv series’ the ones we always watch together. Eating in front of him was a struggle even though it wasn’t a binge just a normal sized meal. Anyway I couldn’t just stand up to go and purge because he would have paused the series for me, the house would be be silent and he would be able to hear me purging, I just needed 10 minutes that’s all 10 minutes to get rid of the guilt. Lucky enough an episode of the series we were watching ended and he stood up to fix himself something to eat and I thought wow golden opportunity!

I couldn’t purge in the bathroom so I took a pillow case and went to town. Then I did something vile… One of my dogs was outside so I threw the purge outside through the window (my bedroom is downstairs) whistled and my dog came and ate it.. took the pillow case and folded it up, I’ll wash it tomorrow.

This is what bulimia is like you do disgusting things like this. It makes me angry when the media glamourizes this mental illness or when people express their desire for it or deem it the easy way out. Bulimia is a terrible and deadly.

When I emerged out of my room after about 12 minutes, I had bloodshot eyes and I felt like I came out of my room a different person. Every time I purge it feels as though I purge a piece of myself that I’ll never get back.

I ate dinner and it was nice. I feel drained. My periods are now 17 days apart sometimes it’s 19 days These eating disorders are wrecking havoc on my body the last time I had a “normal” period was when I was 14.

My mum made a comment about how I’m too thin again, she pointed at my neck and hands and stared at me for a good five minutes, my dilated pupils aren’t helping the situation. I’m sorry mum so very sorry.

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One thought on “All My Sorry

  1. It’s always so easy for someone on the outside to tell you to get help, and that you’ll feel better. Nobody knows, until we walk a mile in your shoes. I just hope this doesn’t end up killing you. You have so much life to live.

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