I’m going to be 22 years old in a few months and like the past 2 birthdays I’m dreading it. I hate getting older the number keeps increasing and I hate it. I’m not afraid of getting older per se but I feel like time is running out and I have things I need to accomplish. My eating disorders as well as depression are holding me back. The older I’m getting the more entrenched I get in these conflictions and the more pathetic I become.
When will my time come for me to experience things… to be thrust into the real world. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself on that particular issue, I live like a hermit. I can’t wait to be independent make my own money and create a life for myself. I feel guilty I keep wasting my Mum’s money.
In all this, I feel like I’ll never succeed in life… maybe I’m going through that phase of confusion recent uni graduates go through… I hope I am. The only aspect of my life that I’ve ever remained optimistic on is my career but lately all that optimism is gone. This time last month I felt so positive I believed I was going somewhere but today right now I feel trapped… so stuck.
I don’t want to end up getting some dead end job at a job I hate with my soul dying everyday. The thought of being in the same situation I am in right now 5 years from now is enough to make me want to quit everything.
I’m terrified of fading away. My family describe me as a “genius” “strong” “smart”. I don’t want to lose all those qualities that make me who I am because life handed me nothing but lemons. Every time I put my faith into something and it fails I lose a piece of myself, I’ve already lost huge pieces of myself I don’t want to completely lose myself as well.
I want to be successful, I want to be somebody… I don’t want to be a loser.