The fading that could be

I’m going to be 22 years old in a few months and like the past 2 birthdays I’m dreading it. I hate getting older the number keeps increasing and I hate it. I’m not afraid of getting older per se but I feel like time is running out and I have things I need to accomplish. My eating disorders as well as depression are holding me back. The older I’m getting the more entrenched I get in these conflictions and the more pathetic I become.

When will my time come for me to experience things… to be thrust into the real world. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself on that particular issue, I live like a hermit. I can’t wait to be independent make my own money and create a life for myself. I feel guilty I keep wasting my Mum’s money.

In all this, I feel like I’ll never succeed in life… maybe I’m going through that phase of confusion recent uni graduates go through… I hope I am. The only aspect of my life that I’ve ever remained optimistic on is my career but lately all that optimism is gone. This time last month I felt so positive I believed I was going somewhere but today right now I feel trapped… so stuck.

I don’t want to end up getting some dead end job at a job I hate with my soul dying everyday. The thought of being in the same situation I am in right now 5 years from now is enough to make me want to quit everything.

I’m terrified of fading away. My family describe me as a “genius” “strong” “smart”. I don’t want to lose all those qualities that make me who I am because life handed me nothing but lemons. Every time I put my faith into something and it fails I lose a piece of myself, I’ve already lost huge pieces of myself I don’t want to completely lose myself as well.

I want to be successful, I want to be somebody… I don’t want to be a loser.

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2 thoughts on “The fading that could be

  1. Even the most successful people started out somewhere small (like a fast food restaurant) The job you have doesn’t define you. Not doing anything at all because you just want to step into the big-time’s and figure “screw it” until that happens, is what defines you.

    Take a crappy job. Gain some experience. At 22, my daughter was three years old, I worked two jobs (one as a waitress at a dead in pizza place and the other doing digital editing at a thankless job) …. but those crappy jobs set up the building blocks to better myself. Now I make decent money and I love my job.

    You have to be more than willing to start somewhere, even if it isn’t ideal, to eventually get to where you want …. and I know you can do it. It might be good for you to get your mind off of everything by having a productive outlet to take up 40 hours a week.

    • Thanks for the advice, what you said makes sense. I’ve been applying for a whole bunch of jobs I’m willing to start at the very bottom and work my way up I realized that having a degree does not mean instant success though I suppose I’ve always known it and didn’t want to believe it assuming a shiny job would be waiting for me.. that was just me not being realistic.

      Awesome how those dead end jobs paved the way to what you’re doing right now, it gives me hope.

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