Today I woke up with a mission, restriction… but it didn’t quite work out. Since Tuesday I have been spiraling out of control binge and purging wise. I had green tea with no sugar in the morning and had an apple and some juice but the thought of the muffins in the fridge was taking over my brain. I tried to fight the urge but I failed so I ended up eating them then purging… so the struggle continues like it wouldn’t… I’m not making the effort to recover am I.
I sometimes wonder maybe if I had been diagnosed earlier maybe my EDs would not have been worse than they are because now they are a part of me,it’s like my EDs move in my veins. If I had been diagnosed with anorexia earlier and gotten treatment I probably would not have developed bulimia. I became bulimic when I was in “recovery” from anorexia everyone kept urging me to gain weight and purging was the only way I could get away with eating in front of everyone and not actually retain the food so therefore no weight gain. After a while I got so sick of the starving, the discipline, the control… my brain was starving so I just started bingeing and purging.. and if I said I did not love it I’d be lying.
It was the greatest thing that I ever started doing, I was losing weight and ate whatever I wanted no longer would I look at food magazines and fantasize about eating the foods in there, I now was able to eat and eat and eat then simply purge. BUT after a while that sort of mysteriousness and excitement of it all just disappeared and the more I tried not to binge and purge the more I did it and the more I did it the more I needed to keep doing it as a way to cope, now it was no longer about being skinny or about food (it never was in the begining and I know it) now it was something much bigger than me.
I can’t say there was a specific thing that triggered my EDs but just a culmination of things and (I have mentioned this before) me being born with a predisposition to have an ED(s). I am amazed when the media thinks that skinny models and actresses cause eating disorders because I have never been triggered by such.. look at a picture of a skinny super model and start skipping my meals? no that is not me, my triggers come from within… my desire to be a certain size is all me not a magazine article I read. I cannot be influenced in that manner not that I’m “hard” or anything but that’s just the truth.
I also feel the need to mention how I find it irritating when people refer to anorexia as “Ana” or Bulimia as “Mia” I don’t know why but it just rubs me the wrong way. And you see pro anorexia twitter accounts tweeting stuff like “I need Ana right now” or some nonsense like that. These people really undermine what an actual ED is like and they express their desire for it. Are you kidding me??. Oh don’t even get me started on “Ana sisters” what the hell is that?!. Oh and this one is gold.. girls who say they binge and purge in groups and encourage each other throughout the whole ordeal. I don’t know about other bulimics but I would NEVER binge and purge with anyone EVER I would be too ashamed and why would I do that anyway, I struggle to even eat a normal meal in front of anyone. I’m just baffled by these people.
Anyway, I ate cabbage and boiled chicken for dinner and now it’s 10pm and I’m starving but I must not give in.