I’m finding it quite hilarious how my whole family is against the idea of me joining the gym, they reckon I’d probably faint in there and they say there’s no need for me to join, in some stupid way I’m happy they said those things I keep on mentioning the gym issue just so they can tell me the same thing “you’re already tiny enough as it is” I need to keep hearing those words with the emphasis on “tiny” It’s like some sort of confirmation or reassurance that I crave… I am “slim”. I put in quotes because they believe I am slim but I don’t see it, so what they see Will have to do since my I can’t trust how I perceive myself if that makes sense.
This need to join the gym came out of nowhere, my brother recently started gyming and that fueled this need in me to do the same. Even if I wanted to gym my mum would have to pay for the membership (since I haven’t started working yet and currently looking for a job) and the chance of that happening is 0.00000% so I’ll drop it. I’m not an exercise type of person anyway the only exercising I do are sit ups though I haven’t done them in a while also walking is great too.
I’m so starving but it’s almost midnight I’m glad today was a success ED wise. I’m actually pretty chilled tonight but I got a bit sad after I read that 20% of bulimics will die from the disorder… so that’s 2 people out of every 10, that’s pretty scary. I’m crossing my fingers tight I’ll be the remaining 8… with sheer determination it’ll happen but right now I’m all talk and no action. I say a lot of things to myself.. I’m going to do this and this but I never do. I always keep the promises I make to other people but never the ones I make to myself. At this point I don’t believe or trust myself, that’s definitely something to work on.
It’s always at this time of the night when I start over thinking and over analysing more than necessary and more than usual so I’m going to call it a night and not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow is none of my business.