How the end always is

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Today has been awful, I’m still somewhat numb to the fact that one of my dogs died at 11am this morning. My mum called me to break the news to me because the vet’s office had been trying to reach me but my phone was unreachable, mum assumed knew I already knew. I held the tears in and when I hung up the phone I just balled my eyes out, why? My little Rex to just die like that.

He had surgery on Sunday he had some deep wounds and lost a lost of blood  but  the vet told me he had 80% chance of survival so why was I sitting in the living room crying hysterically today because he was no more. When I called yesterday the vet told me that he was doing so much better he wasn’t eating much  but the tone of his voice was so reassuring, he told me there was no need to come as it was late at night. That phone call put my mind at ease, I was looking forward to see him at noon today but life had other plans.

I can’t get over the way he looked at me right before the doctor sedated him, I can’t get that image out of my head. It’s only been a couple of hours but throughout the day there have been moments when I forgot he’s really gone then it just hits me and I then I just completely lose it. In all honesty it really hasn’t sunk in yet.

I’ll miss the way he would just up then spin in the air when it was meal time, the way he ran when I entered the gate and this particular jump he would do that was only preserved for when I was entering the gate, how active he was that dog ran on the yard non-stop all day, I’ll miss how paranoid he was when it came to everyone else and trusted me, how he LOVED  eating boiled mealies, I’ll miss his company when studying on the veranda, I’ll miss how every time he saw me on the lawn he would lie on his back so that I could scratch his belly, I’ll never forget when my mum bought a new car and when she got home he just jumped in and sat in there like it was his spot or something, I’ll miss how he would stand by the car door when I  had to somewhere and looked at me with these “please don’t go”/ “hurry back “ eyes, the way he closed his eyes when I would pet him, but most of all I’ll miss the way he loved me.

I’ve arranged for him to be cremated, an individual one. That way at least I’ll always have him with me. I’m inconsolable right now I just want this feeling of loss and emptiness to go away. I have 4 other dogs to take of and I love them with all my heart but Rex was my favourite. I’ll get over it I know but right now it just stings, the worst part is that he was never seriously ill and I am angry at the vet for making me believe he was going to be okay, I know it’s not his fault he did the best he could. If I had known that the last time I would see my dog was when he was being carried into the van I would have absorbed everything more.. taken it in. I never in a million years thought he would die he was the strongest corgi I have ever seen, he once and one of my other dogs killed a snake that got into our yard.. I just don’t understand.

My mum tried to take the it’s just a dog approach so that I’d get over it quickly but soon gave that up. The end really is like that… you get no second chances in my case a second chance would be calling the vet sooner… the end is always… the end.

Goodbye Rex (Rexy rex)…  I love you

I’ll never forget you.

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