Stop the engine

I feel terrible today, I’ve been bingeing and purging since monday with the exception of Wednesday when I engaged in some chew and spit by the kitchen sink after baking some “skinny muffins”, I just felt too guilty to binge and besides I was too tired after unnecessarily taking some sleeping pills the night before because I needed some timeout… I just wanted to sleep and give myself a break from life.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was bake muffins then I went out the corner store to buy biscuits for my binge and by this time I was desperate I just wanted that fix but there were no biscuits and that irritated me but plan B, the muffins! I guess in a way I knew that there would be a possibility that I wouldn’t find the biscuits so I baked the muffins as a back up and convinced myself when I was baking them that I was doing it for the whole family because “they love them so much”.

I don’t even feel guilty about any of it to be honest, I just feel defeated.

I haven’t cried about my eating disorders in a very long time, because what’s the use. Every time during a purge I always tell myself to “stop the engine” otherwise I would end up purging for hours and that would not be good because my throat is worse for wear, I think I’ve mentioned this before.. it’s completely destroyed and the more pressure I put on it the more this could up badly for me.

I feel faint and so drained and disoriented almost, I almost collapsed whilst making dinner, must try harder.


2 thoughts on “Stop the engine

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