It’s always at night when I feel like I come face to face with the physical effects of my eating disorders. I spend the day “alright” in the sense that it’s all emotional but at night I suddenly feel faint and the left side of my chest hurts, it is at times like this when I realize that I want to live and how afraid I am of dying and in those moments my EDs almost seem “silly’’ like what am I doing, I’m so young with my whole life ahead of me, this is not the way I want to go, but that only lasts for a second or two because I then come to the realization that my EDs are now chronic. I come up with strategies to recover, I vow to eat breakfast in the morning and I curse myself for purging. I get extremely panicky and take vitamins, iron tablets and drink a lot of water to alleviate the weird chest sensations as if that could help anything if.. god forbid, something was about to happen.
The things that brew in me the whole day tend to overflow at night when I’m alone in my room with my laptop on my lap with The cure blaring. I’m suprised every time I wake up in the morning how is that possible. In the morning everything is okay though I have enough energy to get up and grab my duvet to go and sit in the living room and that’s it, got no energy for anything else.
I am be an adult by law but inside I feel like I am that 14 year old girl that starved herself, was too afraid to grow up and develop a woman’s body, I haven’t evolved I’m stuck and that breaks my heart. I feel so helpless, if recovery is a puzzle then I am sitting in a large room drenched in thousands of puzzles pieces and I don’t know where to start, actually I do know where to start – eating- but I’m afraid. If there were no consequences with EDs I swear to god I would – of my own volition – be bulimic for the rest of my life.
It’s 3:10pm and I haven’t eaten any solids today I just had 2 coffees a diet coke and some chocolate milk, I tried to have a muffin with one of my coffees but I couldn’t go through with it, I’m not there yet. If I had eaten that muffin that would have ended up into a binge, all or nothing because I don’t trust the beast in me. I want to binge so much right now but I refuse to. It is Day 2 of restriction and I shall prevail.