Volition

The path we chose is all volition, some… some of us… choose to walk on the edge of a cliff. Everything you do is never on the safe side even if you do get it right.

The easy way out would be to use the circumstances surrounding your upbringing as an excuse but the cold hard truth us that in the end who you are is a choice, If you are on the right path it is thrilling to know that you are in charge of your own destiny but when you are self-destructing and fully aware of it you get frustrated with yourself.

I wonder why some kids who grew up in broken homes turn out fine and some don’t.. volition. They make a conscious choice to not let it affect, change, haunt them and shape their future.

History never repeats itself without there being an effort to enable it to be repeated, children do not automatically carry on the stain from their parents, “My father was an alcoholic so I will be one too” all you have to do is to change your thought patterns and actually realise that you can re-birth yourself and cut yourself loose from those chains, there are no family curses and you are not another copy that will carry on the stain.

I chose this path that I am on because I wanted to be nothing like my father, I didn’t get here by mistake and by “here” I mean getting my degree, it was sheer determination and that is why I stress too much, why I try to achieve as much as I can and why I’m burdened with perfectionism… the more differences between me and my father in terms of and who I am as a person and accomplishments the better.

In other aspects of my life I am a mess, I’m an emotional wreck and I’m not afraid to admit it to anyone. I guess when I when I was concentrating on school I neglected all other parts of myself and now I don’t have the books to bury my feelings in every emotion that I was tucking under is coming back to haunt me.  I vowed to myself that his alcoholism wouldn’t affect me but somewhere along the line unbeknown to me it was bit by bit and it manifested itself in the form of a range of mental illnesses and I can positively say I didn’t choose those… of course I partly blame him the other reasons, well… are countless, some I don’t even know them.

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