Drained, strained, Skeletal face..

The time is 00:09am and I am lying in my bed reflecting on this past weekend’s events or rather none-events to be accurate. Technically today is day 4 of restriction and it has been going fairly well, I did drink milk which I usually never drink when I’m restricting but I just felt so faint I had to consume something. Day four is always the hardest, I am beyond starving and I feel like I’m going crazy from hunger.

Earlier when I looked at face in the mirror I felt like I had let myself down, my face is on the wrong side of skinny now, it looks drained, strained, skeletal. It has gotten longer and I look sick and it is making me look older than I am, that is not sitting well with me.I look pathetic but this feels like success at the same time.

There was an hour today when I felt like I was sinking and I just wanted to cease to exist, nothing is in motion right now I’m just lying idle, I have all the time in the world to drive myself mental. I talked to my mum about how much I feel like I am a burden to her and how guilty I feel and she quickly dismissed it and told me I was being silly… I don’t believe her. I hate that everything is always about me and it’s not my intention.

This weekend my eating disorders took a back seat that never happens they are always in the front seat in charge of the steering. I know in my guts tomorrow I’m going to binge and purge.. day 4 is when it all starts almost like a schedule and I can’t stop it from happening, I don’t have the will power.

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2 thoughts on “Drained, strained, Skeletal face..

  1. I don’t understand why your family obviously notices you’re sick, and yet does nothing to intervene on the situation, I would have my daughter put somewhere for the appropriate therapy.

    • Well, I have had my EDs for 10+ years and my parents have done all they could and they continue to try and help me, they are at a point where they feel helpless and that breaks my heart because want it to be MY problem and not theirs but it doesn’t work like that. They’ve taken me to countless doctors and I’ve seen a couple of counsellors but not therapists because I refuse to. My parents have tried so many approaches trying to force to me eat (they once pinned me down and forced me to drink some weight gain shake) they tried the getting angry approach, they then tried “it’s your life” approach which suits me fine but that didn’t last because they love me too much. Just because I don’t write about my family’s attempts in trying to help me recover doesn’t mean it they don’t help. At the end of the day no amount of therapists or meds will help. It’s all down to me at the end of the day irregardless of my parents’ help. 🙂

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