The time is 00:09am and I am lying in my bed reflecting on this past weekend’s events or rather none-events to be accurate. Technically today is day 4 of restriction and it has been going fairly well, I did drink milk which I usually never drink when I’m restricting but I just felt so faint I had to consume something. Day four is always the hardest, I am beyond starving and I feel like I’m going crazy from hunger.
Earlier when I looked at face in the mirror I felt like I had let myself down, my face is on the wrong side of skinny now, it looks drained, strained, skeletal. It has gotten longer and I look sick and it is making me look older than I am, that is not sitting well with me.I look pathetic but this feels like success at the same time.
There was an hour today when I felt like I was sinking and I just wanted to cease to exist, nothing is in motion right now I’m just lying idle, I have all the time in the world to drive myself mental. I talked to my mum about how much I feel like I am a burden to her and how guilty I feel and she quickly dismissed it and told me I was being silly… I don’t believe her. I hate that everything is always about me and it’s not my intention.
This weekend my eating disorders took a back seat that never happens they are always in the front seat in charge of the steering. I know in my guts tomorrow I’m going to binge and purge.. day 4 is when it all starts almost like a schedule and I can’t stop it from happening, I don’t have the will power.