Something about falling….

There’s something about falling on your arse and instead of landing on your feet you land on your knees instead. Today I fell I didn’t think it was possible to fall any farther. A rock bottom always paves the way for an even lower rock bottom. It never ends, I’m on my knees pleading with bulimia to let me go.

Today everything got out of control. I binged until my fingers were shaking, I knew what I was doing, bingeing with the full intention of purging it wasn’t that type of binge when you start out eating a normal meal then before you know it you’ve devoured everything. To me there are different types of binges the ones where I go in with full intent of the fact are worse than the ones where the eating just spirals out of control.

I purged some blood, it hasn’t happened in a while and I’m scared shitless. I did take some antibiotics and a painkiller. Since that purge this morning my body has been craving food. It’s not just my stomach that is hungry it’s my mind…my whole being… It’s starving. All I want is meat and more meat…

These days I can’t decide which is worse, post binge guilt or post purge guilt. I always feel like I’m dying after purging over the years the effects of purging are really getting worse and worse. I can’t say I regret purging but I do regret bingeing in the first place.

I just had to take a break from writing this post and I had a bath after days of not bathing. I feel quite refreshed, I even made dinner for my mum and brother…a dinner I won’t eat. I’m watching Eastenders eating about 10g of chocolate, right now this moment it doesn’t feel so bad but that crushing low is imminent, I could be on the floor at 7pm crying my eyes out or I could be laughing and in good spirits.. Either of these things could happen and I Guess I’m okay with it… I guess.

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