A Matter of emergency

I’ve been furiously and desperately searching for a job on the internet, I want something like a Business development internship and I can’t find any in my country but there are available in other neighbouring countries, I have no problem with relocating I’d actually welcome it with open arms. I kept on searching and searching until I got so overwhelmed I gave up… Well for now anyway. What bums me is that I’m qualified for this and I would make a damn good intern, I just need the opportunity.

Moments ago someone my age on Facebook commented on how much they loved their job and what a great day they had and after reading that I just felt like I was sinking. I’m not one to compare myself to others in terms of achievements but lately that’s all I seem to be doing all the time.

She’s 21 like me she has a great life, always up beat and positive and then there’s me with my eating disorders, personality and social issues, I spend the whole day sitting on the sofa tormenting myself. It is at times like this when I realise I’m literally nothing. I’m wrapped up in an envelop of destruction, loneliness and sadness. I just need this job so that I can at least be successful again at something that isn’t destructive. The perfectionist in me wants something to tap into and invest everything into. That’s the only way that I’ve been able to justify my EDs in some fucked up way, hunger drives me to perfect any assignment I might be working on and now that I’ m idle I feel so unfulfilled. I just need a to keep going… Keep those embers burning but all seem to be doing these days is putting out fires even those that burn inside of me.

I’m dwelling on my insiginifance it’s such a shame that that has always been my thing. I feel like this type of crisis isn’t really happening as everything feels so foggy. I sit and wonder is this really my life, is this really the type of person I am and the sudden realisation of the situation I’m in always shatters me every time like it’s something new.

Everything is a matter of emergency, I want it now now now now or I’ll never get it.

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