Last night was the best time I’ve had in a while even though my throat was so sore and I was so dizzy from the obsessive purging it was actually a night I enjoyed. My brother and I started off watching Fringe then we chatted and laughed… Inside jokes and all and mum was sleeping on the sofa, it was brilliant. We then decided to play some Xbox (street fighter) and I totally beat his arse, well we left it neck to neck as he had work in the morning… Tonight though is the “final of the finals” as we named it. There is always that person in your life who when they are around you’re happier. My brother has always been my best friend! Thank goodness for him. I cherish times like that because they are few far in-between and I know I’m not and will probably never be happy but in those moments I’m content and wouldn’t dare ask for more, I’d be a fool to.
When I woke this morning I had one heck of a stomach ache from all that purging yesterday but I ate anyway, I had full intention of bingeing on muffins and a chocolate swiss roll that my mum bought me but after eating half of the muffin and picking on the swiss roll I decided I wasn’t enjoying it in the way one is supposed to enjoy food and I stopped eating. That’s huge for me stopping myself before a having a planned binge so I guess I succeeded at something but I regret the calories I consumed from the bit that I ate.
The good times rolled but now I’m back to my normal miserable self. Today I feel so disgusted with myself. I then started trying on clothes to see if they fit me the way the way they did last week, I do.this every week if the clothes feel tigher than they did the previous week I’ll have a breakdown. I just felt like a massive giant standing in front of The mirror wearing my green skinny jeans, I then rummaged the whole house looking for a cigarette I just needed something… Anything, I don’t smoke by the way. I was desperate and in need of some form of outlet since I can’t purge, after purging blood yesterday I was too afraid to though I came so close. I didn’t find the cigarettes obviously so I.played some music on full blast and spinned around the the living room till I felt like I was going to puke… Threw myself on the sofa and cried, I’m so done.
There are people who breeze through life effortlessly I’m not one of them, obviously.