My mum and I still aren’t talking since last night and I feel so empty because of it. I just want to cry, I miss her. When she came home from work I said hie to her and she didn’t answer then I said hie again and she answered reluctantly under her breath, that shattered and angered me at the same time. I tried to start the process of us speaking again and she just shot me down
My emotions right now are a mixture of frustration, anger, hurt and loneliness. She didn’t call me during the day, she always always calls to check up on me. In a way though I knew there was a possibility she wouldn’t call I wouldn’t have minded if she called me to yell at me or something. Maybe she’s grown weary of having a daughter like me, I’m probably a mother’s worst nightmare. No matter how much a mother loves their child I guess they reach some point where they can’t take anymore or maybe she just needs a time out, I don’t know.
I can’t say sorry, sorry for what? For hysterically crying when I tried on an outfit and felt fat then she got angry at me because of that plus other plenty of similar incidences, should I say sorry for not feeling comfortable in my skin? Should I.say sorry I have an eating disorder? say sorry for feeling so hopeless about my future?
I feel terrible for not being the daughter she deserves, she is the most amazing mother anyone could ask for. I feel like I am carrying two loads now that of my eating disorders and emotional and that of my guilt for “doing this to her”
She takes my eating disorders and she makes it her problem and I’m left worrying about how I am burdening her, but this is happening to me, I’m the one shoving my fingers down my throat, I’m the one not eating. I just wish she could separate herself from this and see that this is about me and my problems and stop making it about her. I am not doing anything to her, of course I’m the one making her stress but this is NOT about her.
I heard her praying last night and tonight, she hasn’t done the whole praying loudly thing lately and I just felt myself sink, I don’t know why I just did.
She went to bed early tonight, when we were in the living room she only spoke to my brother and carefully remembered to not acknowledge me, I returned the favour.
I pray tomorrow will be different, I can’t swallow my pride for shit but this is my mum even though I did nothing wrong I’m going to speak to her first, no apology because I didn’t do anything wrong. I guess we needed this fight to take some time out and just start afresh I guess, who knows. I hope she doesn’t ignore me.