I always thought I was one of those girls who could travel with all their stuff in a satchel, I was wrong. I keep adding things into my bag things I’m sure I won’t need but I’m going to be in a foreign country for a week I need to be comfortable. I’m going to do tons of shopping so there’s no need to pack a lot of clothes but why is my suitcase full.
I am graduating on Wednesday the 2nd of October at 18:00 and I have a lot of anxiety. I had a full blown attack sometime this week then it went away. I’m going from super excited to scared then extremely anxious then the whole cycle of emotions repeat again over and over. I can’t wait to purchase my academic gown and hold it in my hands maybe then I’ll be more settled. I’m worried the academic gowns will run out and I won’t be able to attend the ceremony even though I already placed my order and called them several times and they assured me that they have enough gowns for everyone, all of my worries are irrational. Why did I have to grow up to be this anxious person who is always worried about everything. For the past 2 weeks I’ve been having intense diarrhea from stressing too much it’s embarrassing for me to even type this. I have lost a lot of weight mainly because I don’t have an appetite most of the time because I am too anxious, that and weight loss syrup, fat burn herbal slimmers tea and apple cider vinegar I have been taking can be attributed to my weight loss.
I tried on my “sick” jeans on Friday and they fit me perfectly, they are the ones I wear when I am at my lowest weight. I’m not even that thrilled because I have a lot on my mind. I have purged a lot lately this week but It’s not something I’ve been dwelling on. It’s just whatever.
I am not excited about my graduation because I can’t help but feel that this is as good as it’s ever going to be. I want to go to another university for postgrad my chances of getting in are good but I am worried about the finances. My current uni is extremely cheap as compared to the ones I am looking at. I can’t expect my mum to pay though she is willing to but I would feel so guilty. My dad is a loser and even if he pays the tuition he would hang it so high over my head it would not even be funny. I want nothing from him. I have been applying for jobs I’ve lost count of the emails I have sent and I have not even gotten one response which is very frustrating. I just want to be able to pay my way through this.
We leave tomorrow at 1pm, me, my mum, brother and aunt. So much anxiety as the hours go by I feel like the walls are closing in and there is nothing I can do. Mum said you are not alone but I feel so alone it’s as though I am going on this trip on my own and nothing can erase this feeling at least not right now.