The Funeral

I haven’t been blogging at all these days, my laptop died and it’s rather tiresome to write a whole blog post on a touch screen cellphone.

Anyway, the past two weeks have been extremely busy. After arriving back in the country from my graduation we heard word that my uncle was seriously ill. We returned on Friday the 4th and we went to see my uncle the following day, it did not look good by that time he couldn’t speak at all his whole body was so swollen and he shivered continuously, it was then when I knew that he wasn’t going to make it. It’s something I can’t explain but I just knew he was going to die it was almost visceral.

Sadly on Monday morning he passed away, my aunt and her kids (my cousins) were due to arrive the following day, they got the news of his death just before they boarded the plane from England to come here. So fucking sad, they missed him by just a day. My uncle’s illness was a very short one minute he was alive complaining of a few pains here and there.. Nothing major then the next day he was in hospital still able to speak, the next day he couldn’t even speak then a couple of days later he’s gone?!

I feel for my cousins his two sons, though they are grown men 27 and 31 no matter what age a person loses a parent it’s gotta hurt.

I went to the burial today and man there was a lot of people there, I usually don’t go to funerals but I had to go to this one, my favourite aunt’s husband died, she has supported me in ways that I could never repay her so of course I had to go. I didn’t know what to do with my hands or where to look, my social anxiety was at an all time high. I didn’t even say hie and say sorry about your dad to my cousin because I felt like whatever I had to say wouldn’t mean shit.
Then time to view the body came and when both of them saw their dad in that casket they just broke down they were standing right in front of me and I wanted so badly to reach out my hand and pat them both on the back but I couldn’t, I wanted to show my sympathy but I couldn’t show it but I felt it.

I didn’t want to cry because I felt like I had no right to. I didn’t want to be like one of those people who at funerals who barely know the deceased and yet they are the ones crying the loudest, the fact is during the past couple of months my mum and I had been going to my uncle’s place, my aunt lives in England and she was renovating her house during the weekends mostly Sundays mum and I would drive there to oversee some of the renovating and he would always be there, so appreciative and nice. I knew him and I am saddened by his death more than I thought I would be, with all this hurt there is a also some numbness diluted with actual feelings.

Death is so final, I watched as they buried him, shovel by shovel until it was completely done and they put flowers on top, we drove back to my aunts place for lunch and I of course didn’t eat. I left as soon as possible and came back home. I just feel so depleted by this whole process and my life right now is undesirable but that’s another whole new blog post for another day.

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4 thoughts on “The Funeral

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your uncle’s passing. You’re right; it’s always really awkward at funerals. Saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean shit to anyone. Just being there was enough. But on another note: Those people had to bury someone they loved. You saw what happens to the people that are left behind. They are grieving piles of hell and sadness and depression.

    Strive to move forward in the process of doing whatever it takes to get help for your Bulimia. One day it will be your mom, dad, and brother standing at your grave site, watching the dirt get piled on, and nobody will be able to comfort them, either. Just food for thought.

  2. i am sorry for your loss. when death is right in your face it can be hard not to let your mind wander to thoughts of your OWN life and eventual passing. i feel your pain on the social anxiety issue. in my current state i can not imagine going to a crowded place..especially a place with so many different powerful emotions. good for you for going. don’t feel bad…i cry at anything but when something REAL actually happens i become emotionless.
    feel better keep your head up!

    • Thank you. Social anxiety is the worst isn’t it, I can go to public places but talking to people is what I can’t do because I feel judged and feel people are staring at me etc. Hope you’re tackling your social anxiety as I am mine, baby steps right?! 🙂

      • thank you for the support! and social anxiety can be just so..debilitating to leading a healthy life with human interaction. i do the same thing as you, i become mute! it is hard for me to leave the house sometimes. i have comfort zone places but i am slowly stepping out of them. baby steps is right! only way to tackle it.
        good luck =)

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