Clenched fist

Sometimes all you can do is to clench your fist, I am so hurt and angry by the massive fight my dad and I had, I told him straight up that I was sick of him and he went on to say a lot of vile things and the worst part is that he just attacked me from nowhere, purposely picked a fight with me, god I hate that man. I’ve been avoiding him. Anyway Since Sunday I’ve been feeling extremely weak and dizzy. I have been eating normally well okay trying to. I am taking milk in my coffee and I think that’s an improvement, I have also been drinking those packet cappuccinos with about 90 calories per cup I think that’s kinda okay. A month ago there is no way I would have done this, I drink one every other day.

Yesterday I went into town, I wore my new rocker chick t-shirt, jeans and converses and I felt amazing, I just felt like I was securely and comfortably in my own skin. I even took plenty of selfies before I headed out.

2 hours later in town I felt this wave of dizziness, I actually leaned on some car otherwise I would have fallen. I then went into the dodgy eatery, threw myself on the chair.. head on lap. I then decided to get an energy drink so I walked up to the counter to get one and the cashier took what seemed like a long time to ring up my drink by this time I felt like I was going to collapse right there. I downed that drink so fast and bam! Intense stomach ache. Everyone was looking at me I felt so humiliated, I just wanted someone to come and carry me and take me home. 30 minutes later I felt strong enough to walk and as I was walking out all eyes were on me but I didn’t care all I wanted was to board my bus back home.

Today I feel better, still dizzy as hell but not anything like yesterday. I’m still struggling with bulimia but I am getting better. I decided that instead of aiming to completely recover I’ll just do what I can right now and if I binge no purging or fasting the next day come what may, pressuring myself into this miraculous overnight cure definitely won’t work. I have this new appreciation for life due to recent events. I hope my mindset stays this way. I have to recover from my EDs because I want to live and the longer I have it the more I am damaging my chances of having children one day, I can only cross my fingers real tight and hope that the damage hasn’t already been done because that would kill me.

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