The hardest part of growing up for me has definitely been having to show up at events I would not have shown up at 2 years ago. It’s getting harder to “get away with it” when you’re 18-19 you can just not show up to a family event and it won’t be a big deal but at 21 almost 22 I can still not show up but in my heart it won’t feel right. It was easy to hide behind my “immaturity” which was in actual fact social anxiety but now I have to come face to face with my social ineptness by forcing myself to be present at these things.
Yesterday I had to go and see my aunt the one whose husband died days ago, I didn’t feel okay with the fact that I hadn’t seen her since the funeral. I wanted to show my support, it might seem like such a simple thing you know a niece visiting her auntie but to me it’s a huge deal. I don’t get out much, I live in my old grey fleece tracksuit, I shut myself off from the world because I’m not good with people. I spend my days in solitude with my music, internet and television. My life is sad like that, I have about 3 friends who I haven’t seen in months we only talk on whatsapp. I’m forever turning down their invitations to hang out and I have a feeling very soon I won’t be getting anymore invitations because I always decline. People get tired of you after a point. So going to my aunt’s was nerve wrecking I summoned the courage and wore my black jeans and a very loose top, to hide my body of course.
My aunt is that type of aunt who buys you a designer perfume and “those” jeans. She’s amazing and I love her lots. I baked her my famous fruity muffins and they were a hit! I soildered up and conversed here and there, there were about 6 people in the living room so I didn’t panic. I declined the food I already felt like I was oozing out of my jeans so I couldn’t eat. My aunt is clever she never tries to endlessly persuade me to eat she understands eating disorders, she’s a nurse so she knows the deal so to speak. I am thankful for that because she’s that ONE person in my family that understands the psychological aspect of it.
On Saturday we have the memorial and I am panicking because there will be loads of people and I’m afraid of looking like an idiot just standing there being judged. Obviously the focus won’t be on me but that’s how my brain operates. It would be cool if my cousins could be there too but they’re all at uni and I’m always lost at events because there is no one my age to talk to so I end up sitting with the mums and I won’t have anything to contribute to the discussion, they’ll be talking about chandeliers for example and what will I add to that discussion? I always end up quiet and miserable with my mum looking at me from across the room feeling sorry for me. It’d be easier to just not go but I just want to be someone who shows up because I feel horrible if I don’t go, I feel horrible if I go but after it’s over I’m always glad I went.