My dad and I are now kinda talking again and I wish we weren’t because pretty soon we’re going to have another major fight then he’ll apologise and we’ll start talking again it’s a cycle. He comes home and just starts shouting at me for no reason, this other day he said something like now that I’m done with my degree I feel like I’m above everything and everyone, with God as my witness I have never said or done anything to make him think and say that. I told him I wanted to move out then he went on to shout that well I have no choice because I have nowhere to go, throwing that in my face! I’m just so sick of living here I feel myself dying inside everyday, the longer I stay the more miserable I am. I have mentioned in my posts before how my dad is an emotional abuser, After 21 years I just want out but circumstances are making me stay. The job application process is still ongoing and the responses I have gotten are nothing but rejections. I just want to start earning something so I can pluck myself away from this place. I can’t even topup my phone, asking my mum for money for petty things is becoming embarrassing for me. In other words I feel like a loser.
I loved this place, it’s home but I never thought the day would come when I would feel this way about home. It’s no longer a refuge or a place I can unwind, I just feel broken and trapped.
My mum wants absolutely no talk of me moving out like all mothers do but she made a choice to not divorce my bastard dad and that’s her choice she is living with. I want to be there for her and protect her like I have been doing since I could talk, stand in-between her and my dad when he was beating her, took her side and not dad’s. My mum and I are a team, we’ve been through a lot and suffered a lot at the hands of my dad it’s like what we have experienced created a bond that can never be broken but lately that team and that bond feels more like shackles in the sense that I do not want to fight anymore. This other day I told her I was done with living here because of dad and I couldn’t take it anymore and she said “be strong for mummy” that broke my heart, I don’t want to be “strong” and in that moment I realised that what I’ve been doing has not been being strong I’ve been been suffering.
I don’t want to sleep at 3am because dad came home drunk and went on a rant, I don’t want to always be angry and resentful and defensive even with good reason. I can’t let him ruin my life. People tell me to ignore him, I tried that but you can only ignore someone up to a certain poison. It affects you their words it seeps into your veins like venom, you simply can’t ignore it.
I just hope there is light at the end of this tunnel because right now all I can see is an oncoming train.