Oncoming Train

My dad and I are now kinda talking again and I wish we weren’t because pretty soon we’re going to have another major fight then he’ll apologise and we’ll start talking again it’s a cycle. He comes home and just starts shouting at me for no reason, this other day he said something like now that I’m done with my degree I feel like I’m above everything and everyone, with God as my witness I have never said or done anything to make him think and say that. I told him I wanted to move out then he went on to shout that well I have no choice because I have nowhere to go, throwing that in my face! I’m just so sick of living here I feel myself dying inside everyday, the longer I stay the more miserable I am. I have mentioned in my posts before how my dad is an emotional abuser, After 21 years I just want out but circumstances are making me stay. The job application process is still ongoing and the responses I have gotten are nothing but rejections. I just want to start earning something so I can pluck myself away from this place. I can’t even topup my phone, asking my mum for money for petty things is becoming embarrassing for me. In other words I feel like a loser.

I loved this place, it’s home but I never thought the day would come when I would feel this way about home. It’s no longer a refuge or a place I can unwind, I just feel broken and trapped.

My mum wants absolutely no talk of me moving out like all mothers do but she made a choice to not divorce my bastard dad and that’s her choice she is living with. I want to be there for her and protect her like I have been doing since I could talk, stand in-between her and my dad when he was beating her, took her side and not dad’s. My mum and I are a team, we’ve been through a lot and suffered a lot at the hands of my dad it’s like what we have experienced created a bond that can never be broken but lately that team and that bond feels more like shackles in the sense that I do not want to fight anymore. This other day I told her I was done with living here because of dad and I couldn’t take it anymore and she said “be strong for mummy” that broke my heart, I don’t want to be “strong” and in that moment I realised that what I’ve been doing has not been being strong I’ve been been suffering.

I don’t want to sleep at 3am because dad came home drunk and went on a rant, I don’t want to always be angry and resentful and defensive even with good reason. I can’t let him ruin my life. People tell me to ignore him, I tried that but you can only ignore someone up to a certain poison. It affects you their words it seeps into your veins like venom, you simply can’t ignore it.

I just hope there is light at the end of this tunnel because right now all I can see is an oncoming train.

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5 thoughts on “Oncoming Train

  1. I hope you get a job soon so you can move out of that bad situation. I know it’s hard to find a job right now. I’ve been looking on and off.

  2. Congratulations on earning your degree! And good luck in finding a job. It sucks, and I’m facing the same kind of situation. I don’t live with my dad, I even live in a different state now, but I have been too afraid of him to stop contacting him, and I *believe* that I need him financially though it’s actually a different family member who helps me financially (I don’t know HOW I could think I depend on him). I’m almost 26, about to graduate with a Master’s degree and my father still emotionally abuses me (& threatens physical). I am adamant that once I have a paying job that I will kick him out of my life. Because it is MY life. I hope everything works out well for you. If nothing else, I’m rooting for your success.

    • Thank you so much! The whole financial thing is a nightmare and it sucks that your dad emotionally abuses you even if you live in another state. Like you I always think I can depend on my dad when it comes to financial matters for my education and I always feel like a fool every time I realise that I CAN’T depend on him.

      Good luck with your masters degree, can’t wait to be on that level. I’m rooting for your success too.

      • Oh man, I fall for it all the time, trusting him when I know he only lies. It’s such a horrible boat to be in, especially when friends just don’t understand because their fathers just aren’t like that. Our dads don’t deserve us.

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