Control

I spent 6 hours this morning baking muffins for my uncle’s memorial tomorrow. In total I baked about 87 muffins excluding the spoiled ones that got ruined when I was taking them out of the tray. I’m so exhausted.

I thought I was going to lose control and end up bingeing on some of the muffins but I didn’t and I am proud of myself! I actually drank my slimming tea whilst baking. I have been hovering around the same weight for months now. I’m not terribly under weight but just by looking at me you can tell something is wrong ( that’s what everyone says) some days my perception of what I look is like is accurate and most times usually all the time it’s warped. I just want to stop bingeing and purging but don’t want to get fat. I want kids someday and I get so obsessed with reading articles that link infertility with eating disorders, It’s either I’m reading the articles to scare myself into recovery or I’m looking for articles stating that infertility has nothing to do with eating disorders, like some sort of.confirmation that there will no consequences of that nature so I can carry on with my behaviours and that saddens me but of course there is a link between EDs and infertility, I know this information.

It’s Saturday morning 1am and I am starving, I ate an apple and had veggies for dinner and that’s it.

I am watching My Fair wedding and this woman is having a goth, skull, spiders wedding and I’m finding it interesting! Wouldn’t mind having one of those someday.

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