Have had better better days

Yesterday was a terrible day so much so I ended up taking a cocktail of cold medication and sleeping tablets just so I could go to sleep. The meds hit me pretty quick and I managed to sleep after about 15 minutes but somewhere around 2am I must have woken up and opened my mum’s laptop then listened to music. I also noticed plenty of pictures, selfies to be exact taken at 2:30am and this is so strange because I have no recollection of this. In a strange twisted way this excites me, I derive joy from abusing any type of sedative. I once stole diazepam from my dad and took that shit until I grew resistant to it, I could not get drowsy never mind sleep on it anymore. It’s a very silly habit but anything that makes me space out I’ll take it.

I don’t drink though I’ll have the odd glass of wine or the random gin and juice but generally I’m not a drinker because I am afraid of the calories. The last time I drank was on Easter and I went berserk, I was alone that weekend and I drank myself into oblivion, red wine, gin, vodka, brandy it was insane. I haven’t really drank since. I guess what I’m trying to say is unlike most people who have a beer or 10 to chill or whatever, I prefer popping pills it’s not like I’m shaking and scratching in need of some pills or anything it’s just some stupid thing I do sometimes.

It’s the days when my bulimia gets out hand that I reach for meds. Yesterday I spent the whole day from 9am eating. Bowl after bowl after bowl of cereal, coffees with milk, pie, biscuits, cupcakes. It was hideous, I purged and my hands started to shake so I had to hydrate and then eat. This brought on round 2 of bingeing. I ate so much by 11pm I had a stomach ache that hasn’t gone away. I feel like a giant so I tried on my jeans and I was relieved when they fit me the way they always do, I’ll take a state of maintaining my current weight as opposed to a weight gain any day. I hate maintaining though because I feel like a failure and If I feel like a failure at that will translate into me feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life and that will in turn affect my mood, how I treat people and believe it or not my will to live.

I cried this morning and these days when I cry I myself am shocked because I don’t have tears anymore. Sometimes I feel like just want to lie on my bed and cry everything out but I can’t do that anymore, my eyes have literally run dry. I instead get more angrier than I used to. I have had an I don’t care attitude but now it’s even worse, I tell people off or ignore them. I just don’t care about anyone except me. The most important person in my life right now is me and I won’t apologise for that.

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