The days are so bloody long it’s agonising. I am always in a constant state of unrest, I feel like I am waiting for something spectacular to happen from nowhere, something that will change my life, something that will make everything make sense and make it all fall into place or maybe I’m waiting for someone to walk into my life and bring out that amazing version of myself that is dying to come out.
It feels as though I am sitting on a swing set and I am waiting for someone to come and give me a little push but deep down I fully know that this is real life and I have to do it on my own.
I have no interest in anything, I just want to watch horror movies all day and listen to music all night but the more I engage in those activities the more I hate my entire existence because it’s meaningless. I want to be in isolation I don’t care about anyone and I find that I am more at peace when I am alone.
There are moments when I feel like nothing like I just want to quit life, I have always experienced these moments but these days I can REALLY feel it. I feel this sadness in my bones and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Sometimes even music can’t help me and that’s quite a tragedy.
I haven’t left the house since last Thursday (with the exception of yesterday when I walked to the corner store to buy airtime) and to be honest I really can’t be bothered. I have no business going out. The last time I popped out I went into town and when I got there I literally did not know what I was doing there and why I went. I just bathed, changed got on the bus and there I was in town with only $3 in my wallet. I wandered until I got tired then went back home.
Every time I set foot inside of this house I feel as though I am retreating back into the cage.