I was going about doing the usual routine of feeding the dogs etc when I randomly thought of how I am a weaker person than I was before. Everything and I mean everything swallows me whole and it doesn’t even spit me out, churning me and churning me until I cease to exist I guess. I used to be stronger emotionally I never let things get to me, I worried about the big stuff but now I worry about every little thing.
I guess back then I was hopeful that things would change so in turn that made me stronger. When you’re in a situation and you deem it temporary you fight with everything you have because you have that it’s almost over let me give it 1000% percent effort mentality but as the illusion disappears and you realise that this is a permanent situation it just pulls you onto the ground. “This too shall pass” – that saying is a load of bull to me, does anything ever really pass? if we are all to be honest and if does “pass” it won’t be long til it comes back for round 2.
I consider myself a pessimist because I’ve lost parts of myself to optimism when I thought things were finally changing and they didn’t. I can’t say I am a realist because sometimes I get into a state of delusion that completely blinds me from reality.
Permanently dancing to thunderstorms in my head. Nothing has really changed in years. I still have an eating disorder, I am still socially anxious, I haven’t grown up in the ways that matter.. I consider myself as smart and mature but in so many ways I really haven’t grown up, I need constant reassurance like a little girl it’s pathetic. I look at females my age they seem and they look like women to me while I on the other hand feel like a child, I don’t know if that makes sense. I still live in a broken home, I still crave to leave but I’m motionless because of circumstances, I still I still I still.
The part that hurts the most is how I was so convinced that is was only temporary and it’s not. I know nothing is really permanent which is why I am trying to get off my arse and reverse it all but I feel so discouraged by the immensity of it all. The effort to pick myself up from the floor is weighing on me everything is too heavy my conflictions, what my shoulders are carrying, my dreams … everything, Dreams are supposed to lift you up but lately mine make me weak and I hit the floor. It’s because when I dream I dream big, and that messes with my head because I obsess on whether it can be achieved instead of just going for it. I also place too much importance on my dreams so if I am going to accomplish them it won’t be a half arsed attempt, I’ll fully go for it so I’m waiting for my head to get into that zone. I fear a half-arsed attempt will ruin everything.
I read my diary from 2007 a couple of weeks ago and inside it there are endless entries on what I ate that day, how many calories consumed, whether I had binged or purged and in some sick way that made me envy that girl I was because she could purge properly her throat allowed her to but what made me happy is that I recognised the girl that penned those words proof that I am not completely gone.