Addicted to the cycle

I last saw my aunt on Thursday and this afternoon she texted me out of the blue, I was actually drinking my slimming tea and vowing to myself I wasn’t going to binge or allow myself a snack that’s not on the “program”… The text read

“How are you dear I arrived safely I am really worried about your weight please try to eat more please I will ring you discuss this issue with you”

You can imagine my shock because I am currently restricting because I feel disgusted with my body. I feel bloated and sluggish, I just feel like I have to restrict severely to compensate for how I am feeling. And now someone tells me I need to gain weight, I don’t need that kind of confusion right now. Apparently my mum and my aunt have been exchanging several texts, me being the topic of discussion which I’m not angry about because they care about me but I feel like they are blowing things out of proportion but I can’t trust the way I perceive myself. My “normal” is considered mentally insane, I get that but it’s hard trying to see yourself through other people’s eyes, scratch that it’s not hard it’s impossible.

My aunt went on to say I should eat for my mum and for her, this is the part of my eating disorder that pains me… the pleading from family, begging me to eat, giving me pointers, how much and how often I should eat. The thing is we’ve been here before numerous times there’s nothing new here, I know what I’m supposed to do but I can’t for the life of me translate that knowledge into action. My life depends on it, I am aware of what’s at stake and that’s the thing with eating disorders or any type of confliction you keep doing it because in a way an eating disorder is an addiction. I am addicted to the hunger.. the emptiness, food, bingeing, purging… I am addicted the cycle.

My promises are empty, I promised to eat – I didn’t. I laughed everything off when my mum tried talking to me.. wore that jolly mask that I wear when I don’t want to worry anyone, they have suffered enough.


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