21:50pm on a Thursday night, I am lying in my bed exhausted from the heat and extremely starving. It has been a tough week! On Monday I felt a bit optimistic, I made the effort to eat normally but the motivation behind it all was because I felt guilty so I ate and ate until yesterday when I weighed myself and I didn’t like what I saw.
Off with my attempts at trying to recover. I hate that weight gain aspect of recovery, there’s this voice inside my head telling me “how dare you gain even an ounce after all of your efforts”. I just had a successful day of restriction and feel positive tomorrow will be too. I was kidding myself thinking I could just jump into this reformed eating pattern, scaring myself into recovery doesn’t work anymore. Recovery is a process I know but right now I don’t have the mental energy to give it a shot. I’m going to do what I know best, what is familiar… restrict, binge.. repeat. It’s the only way I’ll be able to cope at least for now anyway.